It's been a while

It's been quite some time since I last posted. I have been busy re-writing my current life state of affairs. I have moved on from my full time job and have taken on BrokenButLoved's ministry full time. There is so much work to be done, so many lives to touch, so much love to give. Each day I rise in prayer thanking the Lord for blessing me with yet another day to try and make a difference. I pray for energy and passion, for the love of Christ to shine through me. Lead me Lord to those things I must do, those young people I must touch.

As more doors begin to open I am filled with a greater sense of urgency because I see so clearly what others turn their eyes away from everyday... broken dreams, broken homes, broken spirits... drugs and alcohol being used to "glue" it all back together in some fashion. The problem is that drugs and alcohol are liars, they hold no truth but death in some form or another... you can not fix a broken life without truth... truth and love.

I had the pleasure of meeting a young man on Monday evening that I have been in contact with only through email. Heads Up Lancaster was having an Urban Art Show in downtown Lancaster so I trotted downtown to meet him and to see what this program is doing in our city. My heart was so full of joy when I saw him and watched him. Even before I spoke with him directly I could see and feel the love of Christ shining within him, radiating far beyond his personal space. Watching him with the young people and his beautiful family - interacting with all of them in such a peaceful way - yet in constant motion. Meeting him personally was just awesome - his vision, what he and his group have put into practice, brought into being is amazing.

The young people dancing and clapping and sending out a beautiful message of true joy to the universe brought a lightness to my heart song for that evening. Joy in motion... bear witness my friends because it exists...do not close your eyes or your hearts to the possibility.

Reading the headlines

As I follow the news headlines I am each day more grateful than the day before that I know Christ as my Lord and Saviour. Our country is in serious trouble folks our leaders are forgetting "In God We Trust", they are forgetting what our founding fathers held so dearly in their hearts. Why are we moving so much further from the truth? Is the truth too hard for us to follow? Becausing believing and following God's word is not for the lazy... it takes daily interaction, hard work, dedication, belief... it means stepping outside our comfort zone to reach out and help another. It means giving up the "it's all about ME" attitude and saying it's all about the Lord... it's all about US helping EACH OTHER to regain control of this declining society that is being created in the U.S.

Brothers and sisters won't you help me... reach out... lend a hand. Help a friend, better yet help and stranger... pray for them... speak to them of the love of Christ. Awaken...

Amazing Grace

The mighty power of Christ has been working in my life in gentle hues and bright bold colors. I never know from one day to the next which is will be but I know I will see his work somewhere around me, dealing directly with my life journey. Praise God!!!

I find such a joy in giving to others, a joy, pure joy. Whether it's time, or gifts it doesn't matter to me, just being able to give whatever I have makes me feel peaceful. I am grateful to be in a position where my heart is free to give itself as the Lord calls me. There was a time when I was wrapped in such despair, fear and pain that I could barely look myself in the mirror, barely walk out my front door. The Lord has lifted me higher than I ever imagined possible.

Dark side

I feel like no matter what I do there is a darkness inside of me that can not reach the light of the Lord. I try and try and yet I have this aching set before me in brillant colors, showing itself to me, taunting me... "Here I am you can not release me to Christ, I am too powerful"... I know in my heart that can never be true. My savior is the King of King this piece of me that is still so far away from him is like a run-a-way child. Sly, quick and ready to run with a venegance. Why would it so wish to elude me? Why would it choose to stay in the darkness? It is the part of me that I distain and yet I still call it friend? It is dead weight to me and yet I carry it and wear it why?

My kids - Drug Awareness

I call them my kids but they really aren't, but in a small way I feel so connected to them once we meet because we share a common thread - their drug use and my experience with Angie's. So, that's what I do once or twice a month at this point, I go and I talk with them and also with their parents. It catharic for me and so far it appears at least in part I am having a positive impact.

The last group of kids I met with happened on February 4th. I meet with them at the end of their D & A class through juvenile probation and parole. So by the time I get them they've been lectured too and videod to death. Their experience with me is different. I talk with them not to them. I try and be real... truthful... they want to hear the truth but they want the whole truth. I don't sugar coat anything. I don't hide my faith in Christ. I hit them straight on, make them think and try and get them to realize they are not the center of the universe.

In this group I had one gentleman that would not show any expression. I was able to make eye contact with him but no expression. I try and get some sort of expression - verbal or otherwise from all my kids if possible. So, I told him if he didn't at least give me a smile I was going to rap to him. So I did the rap portion of the TLC song "Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls"... half way through he smiled... by the end he was "laughing" just little. What a beautiful smile.... what a beautiful young man full of so much pain.

I was reading my thank you "letter's" from that group on Monday night and I ran across his... no signature, that's how anymomous he must feel he needs to be. In his note he thanked me and said he never thought anyone could ever touch him so deeply inside, and that he has spent his whole life living with a beautiful mother who is an addict. I cried and cried... how I wish I would have known. How I wish I could reach out to him... to hug him... to tell him again that he is loved so much.

God gives me what I need for these kids, the words, the vibe... everything. I feel so blessed in this area of my life. Thank you Lord!

Mother's and Daughter's

Currently, my mom is lying in a hospital bed in the emergency room of our local hospital. She has been there since Monday evening at 7:30 pm... they have no other rooms or beds. My mom has been a heart patient for 17 years and as we visited with my grandfather Monday evening I was watching my feeling, noticing her, feeling her distress. After much prodding she finally admitted that she was short of breath and was tight in the chest and had used her nitro only 20 minutes earlier with just marginal relief. Thankfully, the nurse taking care of my grandfather took her blood pressure which was very high and off to the emergency room we went. So, there we sat and waited, then off to a bed to wait... then into another room to wait... finally two hours ago they did the echo cardiogram they were suppose to do on Monday night. No results as of yet but all things seem to be leading to a heart cath at the very least.

Mothers and daughters... strange creatures we are, very strange in deed. We hide from each other, darting in and out of the line of questioning on our health, our jobs, our children. We certainly don't want to cause the other any additional stress. While the thought is well intended in actuality the outcome is usually far more stressful and traumatic than the original discussion could have been. My mom is a great example... this is the second time she has hidden from me for many months the fact that she was feeling so poorly and having this "tightness" in her chest. The last time ended up having her needing open heart surgery to replace a value in her heart. Why is it that one person on this earth we should trust with anything and everything is often the one person we don't turn to out of fear... fear that we may cause them discomfort. God does not want us to fear the truth in anything. Truth is love, God is truth, God is love... I told my mom I do not fear anything because I know that God's hands are in everything.

While we await her test results, am I concerned? Off course I am, I am concerned about what they will find, if they can fix it, how it will effect her life... but I am not afraid. I know that whatever God's plan is to be for her, for I it is the only plan. Neither of us can fear that which is of God. Her life, my life is in our Creator's hands for that I am eternally grateful.

No pain no gain

So yesterday I had my first session at the gym where I am making yet again another attempt to become un-fat! My new trainer is pretty awesome, I really like her. I like her space as well, clean, comfortable... folks seem nice. I'm off and running (not literally) of course but she has this whole program designed specifically for me. As I am unique! She asked me up front if I just wanted to do the short set of the routine or the full set since it was my first day and all. Well, initially I said let's start slow... but some unseen force of temporary insanity took over as I began to get going and I was like "let's do this thing"! I felt energized, pumped.... sweaty.... moving my big old fat body around and I was happy I could still do it to be honest. I'm a whole lotta woman my friends and the pure joy of movement spurred me onward.

Well - today is a whole different story. While I am still glad that I went all out... I feel like I've been rolled over by a tractor trailer. Things ache that I forgot even existed. But amazingly enough I plan to go after work today and just walk the tread mill for a bit to loosen up. Then Tuesday morning bright and early I will be at it again. Pain or not...I have so much to do in my life. God wants me to take care of me. How can I fulfill his destiny for me if I do not or can not control my eating and maintain a healthy weight and lifestyle? God is my strong tower and my body should be a temple for him.