Are you listening...really?

How often do you take what you hear at face value, excepting it for truth? Do you find yourself perhaps doing a little reading between the lines? Before you answer consider if you are actively listening, fully in the moment; or are you distracted your mind wandering in numerous other directions?

Being an active listener is something that most of us have to learn. Our minds are so cluttered with the business of daily living that we are often times not completely “tuned in” when others are speaking to us. This is especially true with our youth, when they want to talk, you need to be listening. You need to be fully engaged at that very moment. It’s not just about what is being said, but how it is being said; are they looking you in the eyes when they are speaking? What is their body language telling you? Are you only being feed that which they think you want to hear? Are their important missing pieces that need to be flushed out? Yea, I know so much for parents to consider. Can’t we just have a normal conversation with our teens, one in which we just talk. Sometimes yes, absolutely – other times the consequences of what appears to be a simple conversation could result in something more serious. That is why regardless you need to give them your complete undivided attention.

When young people become involved with drugs/alcohol on any level of consumption it’s a deal changer. I have heard many parents (more than I care to think about) be very unconcerned when their teens are “experimenting with drugs/alcohol”. Experimenting are you kidding me??? Do you know how many experiments turn out badly, even deadly? We are not talking about a controlled environment here. Their experimentation is not controlled in any way. There isn’t anyone standing by their side in case it blows up. If you are minimizing their use of pot or alcohol or whatever it is then shame on you! Seriously, why would you do that in the first place? Is it because ‘hey I did it and I turned out okay”, or maybe you don’t consider it enough of a threat to their life at this point to be worried about it. Well, your wakeup call is here folks! It’s your responsibility as a parent to let them know how unacceptable their behavior is and to do everything you can to contain it and curtail it. Knowledge is power, but only if it is put into action.

If your child is involved in the drug/alcohol culture already then be prepared to be lied to, over and over again. You think not? Ahh, you would be wrong. That’s where you need to be listening, really listening. Watching… their friends (have they changed recently); their personal habits; their family involvement or lack thereof; their grades; their overall attitude. Ok, so you’re thinking that seems like a great deal of extra work, hmmmm shouldn’t you be doing that anyway? Don’t get me wrong, I remember missing very important details when my daughter was in the throes of drug use. We all do the best we can, but do it! It’s that important. Every moment is a teachable moment… use each one you get and live what you teach. They are certainly watching you.

Pray for our youth… everywhere… everyday!

God Bless!

What are we teaching our children??

Last week during one of my youth drug and alcohol meetings I had a beautiful young woman with eyes filled with fear say “this has been my whole life for four years”. Sadly, she was referring to smoking pot, a large amount of it daily, sprinkled with alcohol and a plethora of pills and other narcotics over the last four years of her life. She is currently 17 years of age. I watched carefully her reactions to my words and questions. Her eyes clearly showed a deep fear and anxiety about getting off of probation and no longer being under someone’s supervisor. She didn’t have a clue how she was going to deal with her new freedom once it was granted. What was she going to be able to pull from deep inside herself to conquer something that clearly had become her whole life; her words not mine. I wondered as I finished up and left the group if she had the proper support system in place to help her conquer her drug use which has been her coping mechanism since the tender age of 13. Or would she wind up like so many other young people out there on their own trying to figure it out and ending up in a lost situation, moving on to bigger quantities of more toxic, dangerous narcotics.

Drug users, drug addicts… wow people sure do have their opinions on the value of their lives. Sad really that so many folks just decide without any real knowledge of addiction to label these individuals as worthless, trash, lazy, and quite frankly those are just a few that are fit to print. How quickly so many are to judge and label their fellow man. I personally find it deplorable; placing labels on anyone. I talk with so many young drug users who had been labeled by their family members. These labels stick folks and it’s difficult for young ones to break free from them. More likely they conform to them because most of today’s youth aren’t taught how to rise above their circumstances. They aren’t given the tools they need to figure out how to become all they are meant to be.

Most of us, as parents are so busy trying to raise happy children that we forget to raise skilled children; children with the skills to cope responsibility with life and whatever gets thrown their way. Society is also busy making sure to gift our children self-esteem. Everyone gets a trophy regardless of whether they have earned it or not. Awards are often given out for less than stellar performance even within the academic community. What does that teach our children? Does it teach them to work to be exceptional? We do so much for them and then expect as they grow up for them to “reach inside and count on themselves” to figure everything out. We expect them to know how to deal with failures and accolades, rejection and popularity. What happens when they fail to our expectations or their own and their inner strength isn’t enough?

Ah, okay you’re probably thinking… I wondered when she was going to go there. Well, yes I am going to go there. Are we failing to teach our children faith, faith in God? We are so busy teaching them things of this world and yet we don’t give them the opportunity to even explore faith in Christ. Why is that? Don’t they deserve the chance to know there is a living God that they can draw near to for strength and comfort? Don’t our young people deserve to know that they don’t have to go through life depending on just their inner strength to navigate through life’s maze of twists and turns?

I wonder if the young woman I mentioned earlier is equipped with the tools of faith to help her on her journey to stay drug free. I wonder if she was taught that she is truly special and truly worthy of having a life filled with joy. I wonder if she knows that she isn’t alone in her fight; that she is loved unconditionally!

Blessings!

Beyond the Purple Door - Listen,Love, Pray

Last weekend BrokenButLoved was blessed to have a presence at the Purple Door Festival in Lebanon, PA. Already knowing the awesome bands that would be present made the preparation exciting, even though there was a great deal to pull together. I know that both Kimmi (my awesome, loving BBL supporter) and I had our own set of expectations as we ventured north to Lebanon, but I know that even in our wildest imaginations what we experienced there was in truth much, much more then our human brains could have created on our own.

Finding ourselves located in the barn stalls of the Expo Center definitely wasn't what we expected and yet we both knew it really wasn't about us or about dusty location where we were situated. Setting up our "booth" the anticipation was electric and there was a "knowing", a "sensing" that amazing events were about to take place and that God had brought us there, together for His purpose... His will be done!!! Yeppers, it was going to be an awesome day and a half... no doubt about it.

How can I even begin to explain it all. I can't, I don't know that as I attempt to bring it to life on "paper" I will be able to do it justice = but I shall try. The music was varied in style and was rockin'. How cool is it to be doing what you love to do and also find yourself being inspired and entertained by great musician's as well? But, in truth it is what was beyond the Purple Door that made the experience such a blessing... truly... touching every fiber of my being... stretching my heartstrings until they felt they would break. Kimmi and I were given a glimpse beyond the Door... I'm not sure there were many others there that had that privilege. I thank the Lord that we were able to see passed the veil of the music and into the lives of some beautiful, amazing people... God's children... and yes my friends we are all broken in one way or another.

The kids... wow... the kids of all ages... how very cool it was to meet so many great young people. Watching them, seeing their eyes dances as they interacted with one another. Listening... carefully... fully... to them and explaining what BrokenButLoved is all about... our mission...our passion. Talking to them about Angela, her struggles with drugs, with life... her death... our loss, all the while watching their faces, their reactions... that alone continually throughout the day renewed my faith in the caring hearts of a rising generation.

Groups and groups of youth coming and going and coming back again. Each time they would return our conversations intensified and deepened until many were sharing intimate details of their lives and their own pain. Oh how I could feel the power of God's Holy Spirit falling down around us as we listened, talked, prayed and loved... giving what we could of ourselves to them... sharing with them Christ's love, mercy and grace. How much more blessed could I feel? The Lord was allowing me, allowing us the privilege of touching these young hearts, their lives if even for a short period of time. I will never forget that feeling, ever. So many young hearts need so desperately to have someone listen to them, love them and pray for them, with them. Even within our little groups there were those who would minister to each other. People do you hear me???? Youth sharing with each other... encouraging, loving... dreaming... man I gotta tell you it was AMAZING!!!!!!

Of course we also had a blast with these young folks. Their smiles were captivating and their laughter contagious... we made friends... many, many friends and with each new life that entered into mine my heart would leap with joy. Just as my heartstrings were stretched to their limits throughout the festival, so did they also play the most beautiful music. Gentle, flowing melodies that only I could hear. That's okay though, because just like each young soul that I danced with at Purple Door... I shall never forget it or them... it is all forever etched in my spirit. Thank you Lord... thank you!

Tomorrow... the adults of Purple Door...

Is this the new normal?

I have been speaking to youth and their parents now for almost three years regarding the issue of drug and alcohol use/abuse. Let me be blunt! The apathy among both sets is ever increasing and this my friends is a sad, sad trend especially among the parents/adults. A heartbreaking trend at least for me.

It used to be I'd be missing a few parents with each group, but more and more less and less parents are showing up to the group sessions. Okay, I get that times are getting tougher and perhaps some folks have no other option but to be working during that one night for 2 hours. But wake up folks this is your child's future we are talking about here...and sometimes we have to make tough choices in order to get our priorities straight. Now, I am not talking about those who have no choice (those who may work for unyielding bosses)I'm addressing those adults who simply choose not to participate. What message does that send to the youth involved? Gee... I don't know, what do you think it says?

I find myself now not only fighting the drug issues themselves but the 'I just don't care' issue as well. Not with everyone, some of these youth are listening and actively trying to change their lives and I applaud them. I just keep praying that this is not the new normal and just a passing phase. However, with the widespread apathy among the country in general perhaps they are just learning what they live.

Please be in prayer for all concerned.

God Bless

Are you listening

There are times when I have the privilege to sit down and talk with other adults that deal with teen substance abuse issues and our conversations often leave me with even greater insights and sadly far too much confirmation of what I already know to be true.

Here's what scare me folks - the deterioration of the family unit; family's are dysfunctional and then there is second generation addiction... scary, scary stuff. Listen, I am truly not blaming parents for all the drug use and addiction within our teen population -that would be crazy talk. But what I do know is there are far too many hurting young ones out there and someone needs to start listening, really listening to them. Not listening and thinking at the same time 'what can I do to fix this'? We need to be listening first - to them without interjection... just hear them. Spend some time empathizing with them, their pain, their problems. Guess what that big break up with the boy/girlfriend is devastating to your young one. Now is not the time to minimize it. Their feelings, their emotions, their reactions are real - just because we as parents don't necessarily find their problems really "problems" - (in our minds we're thinking - just wait until you have to face REAL problems). What we see as tiny little issues are often huge mountains they are trying to figure out how to climb.

What you may not be "hearing" underneath are all the thoughts about drugs, alcohol, sex etc.... listen... shhhh... listen... to what may not be spoken...

It truly isn't enough to ask your young one what's wrong and just take the stock answer "nothing" or "you wouldn't understand" and leave it go. That's surely an easy approach to take... well he/she said I wouldn't understand, they're probably right so why bother. Or maybe it's this thought process if I do try and understand you'll only end up in another confrontation... easy out. I've done that one myself. I am so not in the mood for a teenage confrontation tonight... hard day at the office, still have dinner to make etc. forget it I'll let it pass. I just told you I've played that card and regret every time I have done so. I think of how many opportunities I missed with my daughter. Opportunities to communicate, to hear her, to let her know I HEAR HER.

Our young ones want direction, they long to trust us with their hearts. Broken families leave them wondering where does trust and stability play a factor in their family. Busy lives leave us with barely enough time to shower and of course as adults with so much responsibility we need our "me time" as well. I agree... "me time" is important but it is never more important than kid time. Never! As parents we have a responsibility first and foremost to those children which God has entrusted us to love, guide and raise up to the best of our ability. And yes we all make plenty of mistakes.

If you've tried to get your young ones into a conversation and have failed, don't give up. Try another tactic... another time, another situation but come on folks don't just give up. They need you and this is far too important - you must give it your all!

Blessings... remember when you are feeling like you just can keep going... look up and remember to draw your strength of the Father of all creation.

Who is the teacher?

Let me ask you this... who is teaching your children? From the time they are small it should be their parents that are their greatest teachers. As infants and toddlers we are all too willing to be there every step of the way, teaching them to walk, talk, use a cup, potty training and the list goes on and on. But somewhere along the line when they start school many of us begin to back off a bit and expect the professional teachers to do the bulk of the work from that point on.

Hold on!!!! Don't lose them there!!! They need you more than ever!!!! They need your love and guidance. They need to be taught not to bully and tease. To be kind to others, to turn the other cheek, to be thoughtful and considerate. It's our job as parents to teach them manners, good posture, how to be healthy, how to work hard and do their best in all things. It's our job to teach them about beauty and God and how to gain strength through their faith. We need to be teaching children about life - not letting life teach them.

When we let life be their teacher we end up giving power to the media, to other children, teenagers, etc. leaving our youth to fend for themselves. That my friends is dangerous business. Young people let to their own devices may follow down paths of destruction, drugs, alcohol, violence. Adults - this is our job, your job... to teach them well... to pray for them... lead them in the way in which they should go.

Blessings

You already have all you need

One thing I strongly impress upon the young people that I talk with is that they were born with everything they need to succeed in life. God gave them the tools, the instincts, the talents...each unique to who they are and who they were meant in this life. No one is "stamped" with a note "please bombard this body with drugs and alcohol in order to achieve ultimate joy". They each need to explore and develop those talents and gifts by looking inside and putting in the hard work of growing up.

Just as important is that parents understand that they need to help their children along in this process; they cannot leave their young people to do this on their own. The animal kingdom does not even do this... they help their young learn the skills they need in order to just survive. Teaching our young people to merely survive just isn't enough. It's important to nuture youth, to show them love, affection and the art of discipline in order for them to find their way to becoming productive citizens- drug free citizens. This first comes from teaching them how to be part of a family unit. They need to know and understand their role, importance and responsibility within their family. Yes, responsibility is part of equation.

When we leave children to their own devices they are often left floundering aimlessly following whatever or whomever will allow them to be part of their crowd.

Blessings