Last weekend BrokenButLoved was blessed to have a presence at the Purple Door Festival in Lebanon, PA. Already knowing the awesome bands that would be present made the preparation exciting, even though there was a great deal to pull together. I know that both Kimmi (my awesome, loving BBL supporter) and I had our own set of expectations as we ventured north to Lebanon, but I know that even in our wildest imaginations what we experienced there was in truth much, much more then our human brains could have created on our own.
Finding ourselves located in the barn stalls of the Expo Center definitely wasn't what we expected and yet we both knew it really wasn't about us or about dusty location where we were situated. Setting up our "booth" the anticipation was electric and there was a "knowing", a "sensing" that amazing events were about to take place and that God had brought us there, together for His purpose... His will be done!!! Yeppers, it was going to be an awesome day and a half... no doubt about it.
How can I even begin to explain it all. I can't, I don't know that as I attempt to bring it to life on "paper" I will be able to do it justice = but I shall try. The music was varied in style and was rockin'. How cool is it to be doing what you love to do and also find yourself being inspired and entertained by great musician's as well? But, in truth it is what was beyond the Purple Door that made the experience such a blessing... truly... touching every fiber of my being... stretching my heartstrings until they felt they would break. Kimmi and I were given a glimpse beyond the Door... I'm not sure there were many others there that had that privilege. I thank the Lord that we were able to see passed the veil of the music and into the lives of some beautiful, amazing people... God's children... and yes my friends we are all broken in one way or another.
The kids... wow... the kids of all ages... how very cool it was to meet so many great young people. Watching them, seeing their eyes dances as they interacted with one another. Listening... carefully... fully... to them and explaining what BrokenButLoved is all about... our mission...our passion. Talking to them about Angela, her struggles with drugs, with life... her death... our loss, all the while watching their faces, their reactions... that alone continually throughout the day renewed my faith in the caring hearts of a rising generation.
Groups and groups of youth coming and going and coming back again. Each time they would return our conversations intensified and deepened until many were sharing intimate details of their lives and their own pain. Oh how I could feel the power of God's Holy Spirit falling down around us as we listened, talked, prayed and loved... giving what we could of ourselves to them... sharing with them Christ's love, mercy and grace. How much more blessed could I feel? The Lord was allowing me, allowing us the privilege of touching these young hearts, their lives if even for a short period of time. I will never forget that feeling, ever. So many young hearts need so desperately to have someone listen to them, love them and pray for them, with them. Even within our little groups there were those who would minister to each other. People do you hear me???? Youth sharing with each other... encouraging, loving... dreaming... man I gotta tell you it was AMAZING!!!!!!
Of course we also had a blast with these young folks. Their smiles were captivating and their laughter contagious... we made friends... many, many friends and with each new life that entered into mine my heart would leap with joy. Just as my heartstrings were stretched to their limits throughout the festival, so did they also play the most beautiful music. Gentle, flowing melodies that only I could hear. That's okay though, because just like each young soul that I danced with at Purple Door... I shall never forget it or them... it is all forever etched in my spirit. Thank you Lord... thank you!
Tomorrow... the adults of Purple Door...
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Friday, August 19, 2011
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Unlovable
A short put powerful message - there are many times that as parents we look at our troubled child and don't like what we see... then we don't like how we feel. There is a huge difference between the love we feel for our children and whether or not we particularly like them in the moment. They must clearly understand that we love them no matter what... we also must be certain they clearly understand what behaviors we simply do not like. Don't beat around the bush with it... lay it on the line... a long, bold, glowing line!!! When a young one gets involved with drugs/alcohol we see them change before our eyes... we watch them become disrespectful, angry... at some points almost unlovable... when they are pushing you away... when you find that the feeling of love is covered in the thick fog of darkness remember these words...
The ability to love what appears to be unlovable
The ability to embrace the inner depth of what appears to be untouchable
This is a gift from God… endowed to you
These words came to me in prayer... God's gift to me in a moment of unbelievable stress and frustration... remember them.
God Bless!!!!
The ability to love what appears to be unlovable
The ability to embrace the inner depth of what appears to be untouchable
This is a gift from God… endowed to you
These words came to me in prayer... God's gift to me in a moment of unbelievable stress and frustration... remember them.
God Bless!!!!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
One Size Part 2
Let me say again for the record that AA/NA are great programs! Folks have a lot of success utilizing the 12 steps. The majority of outpatient and inpatient rehabs use the AA/NA steps for helping addicts get into recovery. Great rehabs out there as well. Angela spent time in numerous rehab programs, the problem was she wasn't ready to stop using drugs. During the tender teen years I was not surprised by that... even though we all wanted her to "recover" teens think they are indestructible.
One of the main issues she had when she returned to the real world was finding AA/NA groups that had other teens attending on a regular basis. She had a hard enough time being around other teens let alone going to meetings where for the most part she was the only teen in the group. Unfortunately, meeting attendance for her became a horrible issue and she flatly refused to attend. Of course part of her issue with the "meetings" were the accountability factor... she hated that part. But I must also state that couple that aspect along with her mental health and self esteem issues, I understand why it was so torturous for her.
That's one of the reason that I want to see BrokenButLoved be able to start teen meetings only... where teens can deal with their special issues and feel more comfortable addressing their drug use. This is something that I am currently working towards. Bringing teens into an environment where they feel more secure, with their own age group... I see that as a great resource.
See - not every addict responds to one single course of treatment for addiction. There is no cookie cutter stamped program. I have gone rounds with some counselors when I made mention of that... they don't want to hear such things. But folks it's true... some youth respond differently than others... some learn differently than others... why wouldn't it stand to reason that not all kids will respond positively to only a 12 step program. The 12 steps are awesome and necessary... but it's a lot for a teenager to take in... to process and then to apply.
Angela knew the 12 steps backward and forward... but could not... or would not apply them. Recovery from drug addiction is very difficult... but possible. It takes time... and effort... teens and effort... well sometimes those two words do not go together... especially when they consider themselves invincible.
No perfect program... but many great ones... when treating a teen bringing the very best of many programs may just be the best solution. Never give up... Love them... forgive them... hold them accountable... talk...talk...talk.
Blessings
One of the main issues she had when she returned to the real world was finding AA/NA groups that had other teens attending on a regular basis. She had a hard enough time being around other teens let alone going to meetings where for the most part she was the only teen in the group. Unfortunately, meeting attendance for her became a horrible issue and she flatly refused to attend. Of course part of her issue with the "meetings" were the accountability factor... she hated that part. But I must also state that couple that aspect along with her mental health and self esteem issues, I understand why it was so torturous for her.
That's one of the reason that I want to see BrokenButLoved be able to start teen meetings only... where teens can deal with their special issues and feel more comfortable addressing their drug use. This is something that I am currently working towards. Bringing teens into an environment where they feel more secure, with their own age group... I see that as a great resource.
See - not every addict responds to one single course of treatment for addiction. There is no cookie cutter stamped program. I have gone rounds with some counselors when I made mention of that... they don't want to hear such things. But folks it's true... some youth respond differently than others... some learn differently than others... why wouldn't it stand to reason that not all kids will respond positively to only a 12 step program. The 12 steps are awesome and necessary... but it's a lot for a teenager to take in... to process and then to apply.
Angela knew the 12 steps backward and forward... but could not... or would not apply them. Recovery from drug addiction is very difficult... but possible. It takes time... and effort... teens and effort... well sometimes those two words do not go together... especially when they consider themselves invincible.
No perfect program... but many great ones... when treating a teen bringing the very best of many programs may just be the best solution. Never give up... Love them... forgive them... hold them accountable... talk...talk...talk.
Blessings
Friday, April 16, 2010
Just one more nite
As I prepared for lights out my heart is a bit heavy. Earlier today I heard a parent saying to their young one some derogatory remarks that left me cold. I'm sure the young one was hurt by the remarks that made mention to a time when life was sweeter without them and much, much easier as well.
Of course the teenage mind pretends not to be affected by such rude and insensitive statements. The teenage posture is one of 'I'm tough - your words can't and don't hurt me' and yet inside... I imagine the shattering of fine crystal as their hearts and spirits are very fragile... we adults forget that because their exterior seems so impenetrable.
Parents... no matter what your child is going through, no matter how angry you might be right now, no matter what you should stop right now and thank God for them. Look around and count your blessings. If there is struggle in your life right now be thankful you are still breathing and ask God to help you in your situation. Pray for your children... pray for children every where. Tell your child(ren) you love them... love them... hug them... tousle their hair... make them smile... maybe even giggle... fill the house with the sweet laughter of childhood even if it is just for a moment... then the moment is gone. Some moments happen and then there is nothing.
There are no more tears to comfort... there are no more meetings to attend,, no more lectures to give... no more giggles... no more smiles... love them please... forgive them always...
What I wouldn't give for one more night with Angie... when more talk...hug... smile... tear... I Love You...
Blessings...thank you Lord for giving me 22 years with my baby girl
Of course the teenage mind pretends not to be affected by such rude and insensitive statements. The teenage posture is one of 'I'm tough - your words can't and don't hurt me' and yet inside... I imagine the shattering of fine crystal as their hearts and spirits are very fragile... we adults forget that because their exterior seems so impenetrable.
Parents... no matter what your child is going through, no matter how angry you might be right now, no matter what you should stop right now and thank God for them. Look around and count your blessings. If there is struggle in your life right now be thankful you are still breathing and ask God to help you in your situation. Pray for your children... pray for children every where. Tell your child(ren) you love them... love them... hug them... tousle their hair... make them smile... maybe even giggle... fill the house with the sweet laughter of childhood even if it is just for a moment... then the moment is gone. Some moments happen and then there is nothing.
There are no more tears to comfort... there are no more meetings to attend,, no more lectures to give... no more giggles... no more smiles... love them please... forgive them always...
What I wouldn't give for one more night with Angie... when more talk...hug... smile... tear... I Love You...
Blessings...thank you Lord for giving me 22 years with my baby girl
Monday, April 5, 2010
Distressed Parenting
I just can't believe the number of parents that are getting high with their children. In some areas it is worse than others but that fact that I have to address this issue at all causes my heart great pain.
Our children look to us for guidance, support, life lessons, the difference between right and wrong. While raising a family so many issues we are faced with are not black and white... they are varying shades of gray. But there is one issue we are dealing with right here and it is drugs are illegal!!! Not only are marijuana, cocaine, crack, heroin, mushrooms etc... extremely damaging to your health (both physical and mental) and potentially deadly but I repeat they are illegal.
It is a parents job to teach their children to respect the law, the system and the government even if they do not agree with them. There are many laws and situations that I myself may not agree with, however, that does not give me the right to break the law, just because it doesn't suit my personal preferences. No one has that right! It is imperative that children learn laws are put in place for a reason and regardless of our personal opinion they are to be obeyed.
What kind of example are parents that actually get high with their kids setting for them? What kind of respect will these young people show other adults in authority and eventually - what kind of respect will they grow to have for their own parents?? My guess is little or none! The frivolous pursuit of attaining a high, an illegal high to top it off... squandering money on illegal drugs, risking their own freedom and the welfare of their children is irresponsible and potentially deadly. This does not show lack of love per say... but it does show an inability to think and reason clearly when it comes of responsible parenting.
I want to make myself very clear in that I understand the trappings of addiction.I condemn or judge no one with addictions issues. But there is never a good reason to pull a child into that set of circumstances. It is the responsibility of the adult with the personal issue of addiction to get help with their recovery - not to offer their own child or someone else's child the option of getting high with them. That action I condemn whole-heartedly. I've thought through this issue quite thoroughly and cannot find any good reason for a parent to get high with their children.
We too often turn our heads from these situations because we have become a society of "me" and not "we". It really is time for us to start caring for each other, helping each other and not leaving today's youth to fend for themselves when a situation such as this is part of their up bringing.
I ask you, if you know of a situation such as what I have described, please notify someone. Perhaps, a school guidance counselor, local authority figure... clergy... someone... reach out and give a child in this dangerous state and opportunity to grow up drug free. Doing so will perhaps give the parents involved as reason... an eye opening reason to clean up their lives, to stay in recovery and be able to teach and love their children as they deserve to be parented.
God bless...
Our children look to us for guidance, support, life lessons, the difference between right and wrong. While raising a family so many issues we are faced with are not black and white... they are varying shades of gray. But there is one issue we are dealing with right here and it is drugs are illegal!!! Not only are marijuana, cocaine, crack, heroin, mushrooms etc... extremely damaging to your health (both physical and mental) and potentially deadly but I repeat they are illegal.
It is a parents job to teach their children to respect the law, the system and the government even if they do not agree with them. There are many laws and situations that I myself may not agree with, however, that does not give me the right to break the law, just because it doesn't suit my personal preferences. No one has that right! It is imperative that children learn laws are put in place for a reason and regardless of our personal opinion they are to be obeyed.
What kind of example are parents that actually get high with their kids setting for them? What kind of respect will these young people show other adults in authority and eventually - what kind of respect will they grow to have for their own parents?? My guess is little or none! The frivolous pursuit of attaining a high, an illegal high to top it off... squandering money on illegal drugs, risking their own freedom and the welfare of their children is irresponsible and potentially deadly. This does not show lack of love per say... but it does show an inability to think and reason clearly when it comes of responsible parenting.
I want to make myself very clear in that I understand the trappings of addiction.I condemn or judge no one with addictions issues. But there is never a good reason to pull a child into that set of circumstances. It is the responsibility of the adult with the personal issue of addiction to get help with their recovery - not to offer their own child or someone else's child the option of getting high with them. That action I condemn whole-heartedly. I've thought through this issue quite thoroughly and cannot find any good reason for a parent to get high with their children.
We too often turn our heads from these situations because we have become a society of "me" and not "we". It really is time for us to start caring for each other, helping each other and not leaving today's youth to fend for themselves when a situation such as this is part of their up bringing.
I ask you, if you know of a situation such as what I have described, please notify someone. Perhaps, a school guidance counselor, local authority figure... clergy... someone... reach out and give a child in this dangerous state and opportunity to grow up drug free. Doing so will perhaps give the parents involved as reason... an eye opening reason to clean up their lives, to stay in recovery and be able to teach and love their children as they deserve to be parented.
God bless...
Monday, February 22, 2010
A new day
When young people embrace the use of drugs/alcohol for whatever reason they lose a part of themselves. Looking back on my daughters early drug years I remember clearly the changes in her. The defensive attitude, the deepening resentment she had about who she was, the rebellion against authority - she believed she found her independence when in truth she was becoming more dependent than ever. Teens will argue that they know exactly what they are doing and that they are in control of every situation. The more substance abuse - the more defiant they become. Why? Because the drugs become their comfort, their friend, the only thing they believe makes them a better person. More desirable to others and themselves. Drugs allow them to "be who they are", to "feel good", to "laugh", to "speak their minds"... drugs... yes drugs give them all this courage they might not have had before. False courage... but they don't see it that way at all.
In my small groups the majority of teens really believe the lie of independence they speak so openly about. It matters not to them that they are in trouble with the law. Why should it? It will be wiped away when they are adults, this is their time to do as they please with little consequence. Drugs feel good... the law - it doesn't apply to them and "laws are meant to be broken - right"? When I hear how casually they take their life situation it breaks my heart. But my daughter was the same way, in her case it was all about killing the pain. Why deal with life when you can erase it for a while.
How I wish I could go back and this time utilize all that I have learned since her death. Parents, hear me when I say this... learn from others around you, if not from me... then someone else who has been there and back. Boundaries, rules, consequences... important, important, important... ask for help if you need it. Teach them to love who they are... show them what is special about them!! Check yourself, your reactions - what foundation are you setting in place for your children?
Blessings
In my small groups the majority of teens really believe the lie of independence they speak so openly about. It matters not to them that they are in trouble with the law. Why should it? It will be wiped away when they are adults, this is their time to do as they please with little consequence. Drugs feel good... the law - it doesn't apply to them and "laws are meant to be broken - right"? When I hear how casually they take their life situation it breaks my heart. But my daughter was the same way, in her case it was all about killing the pain. Why deal with life when you can erase it for a while.
How I wish I could go back and this time utilize all that I have learned since her death. Parents, hear me when I say this... learn from others around you, if not from me... then someone else who has been there and back. Boundaries, rules, consequences... important, important, important... ask for help if you need it. Teach them to love who they are... show them what is special about them!! Check yourself, your reactions - what foundation are you setting in place for your children?
Blessings
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Birthdays-Loss & Family
Today is my 47th birthday. I don't care about my age, growing older doesn't bother me at all. Although I must admit I never thought I ever be 47. No one ever thinks like that when they are a teenager. We never see older age coming...
This is the third birthday without Angela, my darling precious baby girl. Heroin took her from me, all her pain drove her to seek the ultimate forget-about-it-all-and-never-deal-with-it drug. I watched her try and try... I spent years seeing her sober, clean, working, loving, laughing and at any moment the dragon would rear it's ugly head and she'd be lost to us again. Her tears mixed with mine... and all that love her flowing like a waterfall without any beauty - only fear - fear of the inevitable... and yes it came. It came calling one beautiful, sunny September morning that in an instant began the darkest day in my life. A day I remember, relive and speak about over and over again to all the young people that will listen.
So here I am, awaiting the arrival of what is left of the family I love so much. Not feeling at all like celebrating... we all aren't together...sitting around the dining room table. How I long to see her smile... but she is with me always in my heart and in the memories we shared for 22 years. I miss her, dear God I miss her so very much. The light of my life, I love her so!!!!
If only it would really sink in to drug users how they hurt the ones they love. I know they don't do it intentionally... that's not their objective... yet we love them so we hurt... we hurt ever so badly... and when they are gone their pain ends, the Lord heals them that believe, which my Angela did... he heals them... we are left to deal with our pain until the day He calls us home as well. Dear God keep giving me strength.
Blessings
This is the third birthday without Angela, my darling precious baby girl. Heroin took her from me, all her pain drove her to seek the ultimate forget-about-it-all-and-never-deal-with-it drug. I watched her try and try... I spent years seeing her sober, clean, working, loving, laughing and at any moment the dragon would rear it's ugly head and she'd be lost to us again. Her tears mixed with mine... and all that love her flowing like a waterfall without any beauty - only fear - fear of the inevitable... and yes it came. It came calling one beautiful, sunny September morning that in an instant began the darkest day in my life. A day I remember, relive and speak about over and over again to all the young people that will listen.
So here I am, awaiting the arrival of what is left of the family I love so much. Not feeling at all like celebrating... we all aren't together...sitting around the dining room table. How I long to see her smile... but she is with me always in my heart and in the memories we shared for 22 years. I miss her, dear God I miss her so very much. The light of my life, I love her so!!!!
If only it would really sink in to drug users how they hurt the ones they love. I know they don't do it intentionally... that's not their objective... yet we love them so we hurt... we hurt ever so badly... and when they are gone their pain ends, the Lord heals them that believe, which my Angela did... he heals them... we are left to deal with our pain until the day He calls us home as well. Dear God keep giving me strength.
Blessings
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Safe & Warm
Are you safe and warm today? Here in Pennsylvania it has been bitterly cold and my mind turns to thoughts of my daughter's days living on the streets. One of her longest runs was from December to February living in her car, abandoned houses and sadly enough even dog houses just to try and get out of the elements. It was heartbreaking at the time for me wondering if she were alive, did she eat, when was the last time she showered. Addiction is so all consuming that the simple needs we all take for granted are forgotten and the only thing that matters is getting high and staying high.
As I type this my heart is heavy and my eyes fill with tears as I remember my pain and her pain. Even though she is no longer with me I remember every plea, every promise, every tear, every pain... and I know today... tonight and tomorrow there will be others just like her, chained to drug addiction, writhing in pain both physical and emotional... longing to be high... longing to be warm... longing to be home.
Be Blessed Dear Hearts... Jesus love you!
As I type this my heart is heavy and my eyes fill with tears as I remember my pain and her pain. Even though she is no longer with me I remember every plea, every promise, every tear, every pain... and I know today... tonight and tomorrow there will be others just like her, chained to drug addiction, writhing in pain both physical and emotional... longing to be high... longing to be warm... longing to be home.
Be Blessed Dear Hearts... Jesus love you!
Friday, September 25, 2009
Amazed
Every day I rise and read the morning news headlines and my heart cries out "what is happening to our country, to our world, to our youth?" This morning I see mug shots of three young men who robbed a young couple and they are smiling. Smiling I tell you, like they are so proud of themselves. How can anyone be so blind that they do not see the line between right and wrong? I suppose they just choose to ignore it. Why? Where did it all go wrong? When did they decide that it was okay to take what did not belong to them? Who taught them this theory, or perhaps there just wasn't any one around to teach them differently.
What is to become of this country if we do not embrace our youth NOW! Surround them with love and guidance NOW! Teach them values not just by words but by how we live our lives. Talk the talk with them and then walk the walk with them. Our Lord walks with us every moment of our lives. Do these young people even know there is another way???
Blessings
What is to become of this country if we do not embrace our youth NOW! Surround them with love and guidance NOW! Teach them values not just by words but by how we live our lives. Talk the talk with them and then walk the walk with them. Our Lord walks with us every moment of our lives. Do these young people even know there is another way???
Blessings
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Weddings
On August 15th my youngest son married the women of his dreams. What a blessed day for our family. The Spirit of the Lord moved freely throughout the Chapel and all through the reception, rejoicing with us at the union of these two beautiful souls. Among all the pain and suffering in this life comes these moments of pure joy and we give thanks.
August is a hard month for me as Angela's birthday is the 31st. The second anniversary of her death follows immediately on Sept. 1st. Every year I must prepare for whatever is to come over this time period. I ask God for strength and comfort for I know I will need that at the very least. Sustaining grace is the gift the Lord has provided for me over these last two years, I have great faith that He will continue to provide it.
August is a hard month for me as Angela's birthday is the 31st. The second anniversary of her death follows immediately on Sept. 1st. Every year I must prepare for whatever is to come over this time period. I ask God for strength and comfort for I know I will need that at the very least. Sustaining grace is the gift the Lord has provided for me over these last two years, I have great faith that He will continue to provide it.
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