September 1, 2007

September 1, 2007 my daughter Angela left this earth due to an accidental overdose of heroin. I couldn't bring myself to write about that day because the pain is still very close to the surface. I loved her so much, as did her family. In an instant she was gone. So much pain, so much suffering she endured in her short 22 years... she was so tired... so very very tired. She prayed a great deal the week before her death. Perhaps, the Lord heard her pain and knew that the only way for her to be healed was by bringing her home to rest with Him. Praise God that his Son's blood covered her. I know at the moment of her death He was with her, gently wrapping His loving arms around her and carrying to a place of peace. His perfect peace.

Does that bring us all here comfort? Yes, in a very real way it does. The blessed assurance our Lord Jesus gives us when we rest in Him allows His grace to fall upon us all in our time of suffering. My human condition still allows me to feel the great pain and lose of losing my dear precious child. My friend, my confidant... Ohhhh how I miss her so... how I long to hold her and see her smile. For now I know she is at peace.

God's calling to me, to bring BrokenButLoved to life keeps me moving forward. I know that I must for God's glory reach out to those young people, just like Angie who need love, guidance and the peace of knowing Jesus. So just like an athlete I play through the pain because it is my God given assignment.

Lift me up in prayers dear friends... I am certainly appreciative of all the prayers I can get.

Blessings

Birthdays and bashes

Yesterday would have been my daughter Angela's 24th birthday. I found myself laying in bed with one of my dogs at 5:13 am singing Happy Birthday to her. It was a tradition in our home to sing happy birthday to each other at our birth time... she didn't appreciate it too much when she was a teenager. But as a young child and then as a young woman she loved it. Special times, special memories, all tied in with unbelievable pain. I miss her more than words can say.

It's in these moments that the mission and vision for BrokenButLoved is even further ingrained in my heart. God voice speaking softly to me... stop the insanity Rose... reach out, touch as many as you can... drugs and alcohol are killing our future.

Lancaster city has been plagued with an rash of violent deaths over the last several weeks. Shootings, stabbings... deaths... over drugs... over gang "grudges" and our city residence are angry and upset. The sad part is they are voicing their angry, much which borderlines on hatred towards the "gangster" as they call them population. I understand their frustration but what I don't understand is this "hatred". Jesus teaches us a different way and it's time this country of our got back to our roots and remembered a different way to lives. Instead of spewing out angry words, name calling... etc. perhaps, just perhaps much more could be accomplished by putting that unproductive energy into volunteering to make a positive impact on our city.

Productivity and positive influence and reinforcement is what these struggling young people need. They need to see the light of Jesus in our eyes, in our voices, in our hearts... we need to listen... to teach... it's the only way.

Blessings,
Rose

Weddings

On August 15th my youngest son married the women of his dreams. What a blessed day for our family. The Spirit of the Lord moved freely throughout the Chapel and all through the reception, rejoicing with us at the union of these two beautiful souls. Among all the pain and suffering in this life comes these moments of pure joy and we give thanks.

August is a hard month for me as Angela's birthday is the 31st. The second anniversary of her death follows immediately on Sept. 1st. Every year I must prepare for whatever is to come over this time period. I ask God for strength and comfort for I know I will need that at the very least. Sustaining grace is the gift the Lord has provided for me over these last two years, I have great faith that He will continue to provide it.

The Beauty of the Lord, the reality of Life

The Lord is my rock and my fortress, He is mighty, He is merciful, His blood covers me, I am filled with his peace. What an amazing feeling and worthy of everyone's consideration when they look at their life and gage how they are doing on their own? Is there own "inner strength" enough to sustain them with a measure of peace and promise in times of trials and pain? Or is there something missing? Is life not going quite as planned because they are trying in vain to steer their own course, plot their own path, make it on their own in a world that is pulling us all in every possible direction at the same time. The TV taunts us to buy more stuff, to make more money, to drive a fancier car... the one who dies with the most toys wins. It is a sad thought that so many folks are consumed by the need for more stuff and less concerned about the spiritual health and the spiritual health of their families. I am not sitting in judgement, I am merely speaking of what I witness on a daily basis. It doesn't matter how many toys you have, when death comes, they mean nothing! You leave this world the same way you came in to it, with nothing but your soul, your spirit and your physical presence. Reality check folks... think about it.

God loves us no matter who we are, how many toys we have and what choices we have made in our lives. But in order to find peace, we must reconcile those choices with God. I see the tears in the eyes of parents whose child is using drugs and they are so torn and frustrated and scared. Well they should be; their child's life and future is on the line. These young people are setting a precedence for a pattern of making bad choices that could - I say could stay with them the rest of their lives if something doesn't click in their minds, if something doesn't change.

That change can not be forced or coerced - it needs to come within them. They need a reason to move in a positive forward motion. They need guidance as to how to bring about this change. They need not only new skill sets for daily living but also a new thought process, a new faith process for spiritual growth, for lifetime success. The seeds need to be planted and then nurtured so that they continue to grow, strong and healthy and able to stand on their own without drugs, without alcohol... standing gloriously with the Lord and a host of heavenly Angels to guide them forward.

Blessings
Rose

Trying to fly too soon

Last evening when I returned from speaking to a group of wonderful young people I sat to discuss the days events with my husband. As we were sitting on the porch he spoke to me of three young robins that he had contact with after work. One of the poor babies he found dead in the yard, one had fallen from the tree and was unable to fly so he gently picked it up and sat it down over the fence and the other was also in our yard but had much better wings. This one "flew" a little bit and then scurried off through a hole in our fence. Mind you with three dogs it's very important that we keep a watchful eye out for baby birds and bunnies. We sat there and I heard the mother robin still calling for her babies. She was sitting on our wood pile in the area where the babies had at one time been. She called and called for them... perhaps calling out "where are you" or perhaps mourning the loss of one of her precious children. Robins are notorious for leaving the nest far too soon, thinking they are ready to fly. My our heart ached for her, knowing the pain of losing a child far too soon. Thanking the Lord for his creation and the grace he gives me each and every day I began to think on the subject.

Those baby robins and their mother are so like we are as humans. Those wonderful young people that I had the pleasure of addressing and talking with so like the babies robins leaving the nest too soon, unprepared for what truly lies ahead. Venturing into unfamiliar territory - drugs, alcohol... searching for their freedom not even realizing that being dependent on drugs is not being free. They step out of childhood... into young adulthood without the proper armour and without all the necessary skills yet in place. The reality of drug and alcohol abuse is you are never truly free or independent as long as they are part of your life.

What makes us feel the need to leave the nest so soon? Why when we start to hit the magic teenage years do we feel we must be so independent? Looking back I remember that feeling but now that I am much older I long to be nurtured and taken care of a bit. If only these young folks could hold onto their childhood a bit longer, enjoying it, savoring it... embracing the magic of youth.

Blessings,
Rose

Uninvited pain

As I stood elbow deep in my cleaning bucket a rush came over me. Yes, she's gone... Angie's gone. It's not like I ever forget it, that reality clings to me, it's part of me. Moments come however, when the pain flows through me as if I had been struck by a lightening bolt. Her pain becomes my pain. I remember clearly her tears flowing soaking my shirt as I held her tightly. Mom, why am I so different, why don't I have any friends... I want to be liked, I want to be loved. So beaten down by the world around her, longing to be part of a circle of friends that did not include drugs in their life style. Trying to be part of their world and being shunned with every effort. Most people do not believe in second changes, they don't believe people can change. How sad really, that we aren't willing to give those who have made mistakes a chance to be welcomed back with open arms to the friends who once claimed to love them. The ripping apart of my heart seems to never end. I miss her so very much. I miss her smile, her beautiful heart, her gift of poetry... her relentless quest to learn... someday. I close my eyes and picture her as she comes to me in dreams... I so long to reach out and touch her there but it is only that... a longing. I pray to the Lord for his peace that surpasses all understanding so that I can make it through another day.

How are these young people today with the same problems, the same issues, the same desires suppose to reach out to another world, one without drugs? Where do they go from where they are to where they want to be? Can you imagine how hard it is to find new friends? To start over again during your teenage years? A time when your emotions and hormones are raging and volatile? How do they step out of what has become their comfort zone with drugs and alcohol into a world where they must feel everything... exactly how it is meant to be felt... no numbing, no extra laughter... no hazed over thoughts. Just pure, real emotion. Oh Lord I pray you will speak to me the words that will help to answer this question. Give me the ways and means to bring about the change needed to help these young people grow beyond this haze of drugs...

I could not take Angie's pain and longing from her, I could only love her, hold her... pray for her. Was there more I could have done? The answer to that questions will no doubt plaque me the rest of my days on this earth.

New and updated website

BrokenButLoved.org is now under going a total revamping of its website. The old website is still in place but check by often as I am currently designing the new site. I'm not a professional web designer as you can see from my first attempt, but the budget is small - so I must do it myself.

No worries... I know that the true look, feel and heart of this ministry is about to be born on the big ole web!!!!

Please keep me in your prayers!

Blessings
Rose