It is so very frustrating when a young one is stuck in an impossible living situation when they are trying to stay sober. Our system is not set up to deal with the in between situations that arise when a young addict does not deserve a lock-down environment and their current home life is not conducive to a positive recovery outcome. Many young people find themselves between a rock and a hard place when those that love them the most are entangled in issues that create torment and drama on a continual basis. This is not to say that the family doesn't love or support the addict themselves... the majority of the time they do... love them and want success for them. However, what happens to this struggling young one when they find themselves in this an atmosphere of adult issues that leave them urning for their drug of choice... simply to escape what they can not change and can not reconcile for themselves?
In order for an addict of any age to succeed in their recovery, they need to be in a positive, nurturing environment. One with clear boundaries of acceptable behavior, consequences and compassion. If they are constantly swept up, even on the peripheral in the drama and pain of others they are not free to work on the very reasons they turn to drugs in the first place. Where does that leave them? Hopelessly lost I am afraid. We are not set up to foster this lost group... it's either rehab or detention. If home isn't working... it's lock down... or yet another stint in rehab. Are either one truly appropriate for one that has been through the rehab program and desires recovery but finds themselves continually seeking refuge from the reality of their current situation. It seems to me that there should be something in between... a half way house of sorts where they are free to work on themselves... visit with their loved ones away from the eye of the storm. Able to love and be loved with out the drama...sadly... there is no such an animal available for those under the age of 18.
Perhaps we are missing a very important piece of the recovery process from our young ones. I will seek the Lord in prayer and hope that we find a way to stand in the gap for the struggling teen addict perhaps BrokenButLoved can be part of the solution.
Blessings
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Discipline vs. Punishment
Often times as parents we use the words discipline and punishment interchangeably. I'd prefer to think of the two like this:
Discipline is the guidelines and set of expectations you set forth for your young ones
Punishment is the consequences of non adherence to this set of guidelines
Simple? Sounds simple... it is simple yet ever so difficult. Far be it from me to tell you this is a simplistic look at parenting. I made so many mistakes as a parent, however... I learned heartbreaking lessons that I share with you all in hopes of tempering your desire to let things ride verses nipping them in the bud.
Children need to be told up front and with authority what is expected of them. They need to have a clear understanding of acceptable and unacceptable behaviors. To us it may seem ridiculous to have to tell them that all drugs are off limits. But they need to hear it from YOU. Not just the school, not just the TV from YOU. It is your job as a parent to inform your children of this dangerous situations that can ruin their lives or take them. Just as you explain to them what you expect from them in terms of household responsibilities, school work, etc... they need to know all of peripheral issues as well, drug, sex, honor, honesty...
Outlining your guidelines and rules is the first step. The second step is letting them know clearly the consequences to breaking the rules. I had no problem with setting the guidelines... I had problems with sticking to the punishment "plans". Apply consequences to your young ones is not mean... it does not make you a horrible parent although they will probably bring that to your attention rather quickly... you do them more harm by NOT applying the consequences. If they see you crumble or disagree with a level of punishment...you are in for the ride of your life. They won't forget and they will play you like a fiddle moving forward. Again, been there... done that. They need to be ready for the grown up world and the early they understand that there will always be rules to follow the better.
Drugs kill folks... this is not kindergarten stuff... once our young ones start playing with drugs and alcohol on any level they have hit the big leagues ready or not. They have crossed the line from childhood into a dangerous... very grown up world. Get them ready to understand that... let them know... hold your ground and take back your family.
Blessings...
Discipline is the guidelines and set of expectations you set forth for your young ones
Punishment is the consequences of non adherence to this set of guidelines
Simple? Sounds simple... it is simple yet ever so difficult. Far be it from me to tell you this is a simplistic look at parenting. I made so many mistakes as a parent, however... I learned heartbreaking lessons that I share with you all in hopes of tempering your desire to let things ride verses nipping them in the bud.
Children need to be told up front and with authority what is expected of them. They need to have a clear understanding of acceptable and unacceptable behaviors. To us it may seem ridiculous to have to tell them that all drugs are off limits. But they need to hear it from YOU. Not just the school, not just the TV from YOU. It is your job as a parent to inform your children of this dangerous situations that can ruin their lives or take them. Just as you explain to them what you expect from them in terms of household responsibilities, school work, etc... they need to know all of peripheral issues as well, drug, sex, honor, honesty...
Outlining your guidelines and rules is the first step. The second step is letting them know clearly the consequences to breaking the rules. I had no problem with setting the guidelines... I had problems with sticking to the punishment "plans". Apply consequences to your young ones is not mean... it does not make you a horrible parent although they will probably bring that to your attention rather quickly... you do them more harm by NOT applying the consequences. If they see you crumble or disagree with a level of punishment...you are in for the ride of your life. They won't forget and they will play you like a fiddle moving forward. Again, been there... done that. They need to be ready for the grown up world and the early they understand that there will always be rules to follow the better.
Drugs kill folks... this is not kindergarten stuff... once our young ones start playing with drugs and alcohol on any level they have hit the big leagues ready or not. They have crossed the line from childhood into a dangerous... very grown up world. Get them ready to understand that... let them know... hold your ground and take back your family.
Blessings...
Friday, May 21, 2010
Apathy
How involved in your child's life are you? This question has nothing to do with how much you love them. I am amazed at how many parents are afraid to look at the issue of teen drug/alcohol use. Are we worried that we won't be looked at as the "cool parents"? Are we afraid to see that there may be brokenness within our family unit? I understand that there are multiple problems in this country and around the world. I get that we are all trying so hard to keep our head above water in a world that seems determined to destroy itself... yes I understand. But what happens if we choose not to look the issue of teen substance abuse square in the eyes and deal with it. If we continue to turn a blind eye to this issue the future of our country becomes even more uncertain. We can not allow that to happen people. We NEED our young ones to be thinking clearly and ready to use their intellect, their creativity and their drive to create a better world.
It all starts at home. Don't wait for your school district to do all the work. We must take back our families... we must bring our children back into the fold. Hold them accountable, teach them responsibility, let them know it's okay not to be perfect and help them work through their weaknesses and issue that prey upon them on a daily basis. Your children are a blessing from God. I can't think of anything more important then our youth.
Pray for the children...blessings!
It all starts at home. Don't wait for your school district to do all the work. We must take back our families... we must bring our children back into the fold. Hold them accountable, teach them responsibility, let them know it's okay not to be perfect and help them work through their weaknesses and issue that prey upon them on a daily basis. Your children are a blessing from God. I can't think of anything more important then our youth.
Pray for the children...blessings!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Tween Angst
The words of a young teens whose feelings are broken... take them to heart my friends... tweens and teens are feeling this way every day... every where...
The little black mini skirt
never looked quite right on me
sometimes I'd pretend
that was really me
I'd pretend that I was skinny
that I was buff, babely and blonde
that I was the head cheerleader
with the little outfits on
I'd pretend to be beautiful
like I was always number one
like I was a super model
with the glass slippers on
I'd pretend that I was popular
loved by everyone
that no one thought I was nerdy
no matter what I had on
Now I see the real me
and maybe it's not so bad
I didn't need the glass slippers
that I never even had
I didn't need to be
Like Cindy Crawford or Naomi
I don't have to pretend
cause I'm fine just being me
~~A. Faus~~~(copywrite protected)
Our young ones are constantly under the microscope within their own peer groups. Trying to fit in... was stress and pain it causes them. Parents do you best to really hear what your children are saying to you about how they see themselves... because they are using seeing themselves thru the eyes someone else.
God Bless
The little black mini skirt
never looked quite right on me
sometimes I'd pretend
that was really me
I'd pretend that I was skinny
that I was buff, babely and blonde
that I was the head cheerleader
with the little outfits on
I'd pretend to be beautiful
like I was always number one
like I was a super model
with the glass slippers on
I'd pretend that I was popular
loved by everyone
that no one thought I was nerdy
no matter what I had on
Now I see the real me
and maybe it's not so bad
I didn't need the glass slippers
that I never even had
I didn't need to be
Like Cindy Crawford or Naomi
I don't have to pretend
cause I'm fine just being me
~~A. Faus~~~(copywrite protected)
Our young ones are constantly under the microscope within their own peer groups. Trying to fit in... was stress and pain it causes them. Parents do you best to really hear what your children are saying to you about how they see themselves... because they are using seeing themselves thru the eyes someone else.
God Bless
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Unlovable
A short put powerful message - there are many times that as parents we look at our troubled child and don't like what we see... then we don't like how we feel. There is a huge difference between the love we feel for our children and whether or not we particularly like them in the moment. They must clearly understand that we love them no matter what... we also must be certain they clearly understand what behaviors we simply do not like. Don't beat around the bush with it... lay it on the line... a long, bold, glowing line!!! When a young one gets involved with drugs/alcohol we see them change before our eyes... we watch them become disrespectful, angry... at some points almost unlovable... when they are pushing you away... when you find that the feeling of love is covered in the thick fog of darkness remember these words...
The ability to love what appears to be unlovable
The ability to embrace the inner depth of what appears to be untouchable
This is a gift from God… endowed to you
These words came to me in prayer... God's gift to me in a moment of unbelievable stress and frustration... remember them.
God Bless!!!!
The ability to love what appears to be unlovable
The ability to embrace the inner depth of what appears to be untouchable
This is a gift from God… endowed to you
These words came to me in prayer... God's gift to me in a moment of unbelievable stress and frustration... remember them.
God Bless!!!!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Middle School Trauma
March 1997 from Angela's diary... "S & J (names withheld) are mad at me again because I'm not girlie enough... H isn't talking to me right now either. Girls suck. Mom's happy right now. Me on the other hand thinks life sucks. To tell the truth I hate almost everything about life. There are times that I wish I could end it and go out like a real woman (gun)". My daughter wrote that at the age of 12!!! What makes a 12 year old feel this way??? My heart just breaks to write this...middle school years are horrible for alot of young ones.
In the entries prior to this she had been writing for weeks about off and on "friendships". It appears as though her circle of friends changed their minds about who they wanted to be friends with like they changed their socks. If you were a bit different... or not as skinny... of if you had a bad hair day could mean you are "out" of the club. My daughter was very sensitive and this crowd broke her heart over and over and over again. She wanted so desperately to fit in and she took the abuse. She smiled and hid the tears and pain... but inside she wanted to die. That's how devastated she had become. Young people need to be taught that their judgements, criticism, cruelty and abandonment can scar people for life. Some are not strong enough to overcome this... other will. My daughter developed her tough girl persona and pretended it was just fine with her. This is when her attitude began to change.
She no longer felt good about herself...she was no longer proud of the fact that she was smart... pretty and loving. It didn't matter if I told her how special and beautiful she was... I was her mom I 'had to say that'. The cruelty of the young... tweens and teens get crushed daily by the careless words and deeds of their peers. Many of them waiting for the day that someone else is on the chopping block and they are just forgotten by the masses which is equally dangerous. As parents we need to become more aware which side of the fence your children are on... and we must be able to accept if they are on the side that is giving out the punches to others. Watch your child, their reactions to others... the gossip they talk... how do they speak of the fellows peers? Do they speak kindly or do they always have some sort of "negative trash talk" to spread even about their "friends". If they do you as their parent need to teach them the right way to be a friend and the proper way to respect those that are not in their circle.
In a time when the world is fixed on issues of racism etc. (and I am not saying these are not important issues - they are) we show little concern for how are children treat each other across the board. Folks, I'm serious... don't chalk this off as teen age growing pains. That's crap. One of the biggest problems in this world today is the way we treat our fellow man. No we aren't going to like or befriend everyone. People are different... but respect every man... yes absolutely. Let's do our part to bring up a generation of kind, loving, respectful young people. Do your part... it's your job and it's a tough one no doubt.
Angela began her drug use the summer she wrote this entry... let's save other young ones from this feeling of inadequacy... step it up folks... monitor your young ones behavior. Pray for the children.
God bless..
In the entries prior to this she had been writing for weeks about off and on "friendships". It appears as though her circle of friends changed their minds about who they wanted to be friends with like they changed their socks. If you were a bit different... or not as skinny... of if you had a bad hair day could mean you are "out" of the club. My daughter was very sensitive and this crowd broke her heart over and over and over again. She wanted so desperately to fit in and she took the abuse. She smiled and hid the tears and pain... but inside she wanted to die. That's how devastated she had become. Young people need to be taught that their judgements, criticism, cruelty and abandonment can scar people for life. Some are not strong enough to overcome this... other will. My daughter developed her tough girl persona and pretended it was just fine with her. This is when her attitude began to change.
She no longer felt good about herself...she was no longer proud of the fact that she was smart... pretty and loving. It didn't matter if I told her how special and beautiful she was... I was her mom I 'had to say that'. The cruelty of the young... tweens and teens get crushed daily by the careless words and deeds of their peers. Many of them waiting for the day that someone else is on the chopping block and they are just forgotten by the masses which is equally dangerous. As parents we need to become more aware which side of the fence your children are on... and we must be able to accept if they are on the side that is giving out the punches to others. Watch your child, their reactions to others... the gossip they talk... how do they speak of the fellows peers? Do they speak kindly or do they always have some sort of "negative trash talk" to spread even about their "friends". If they do you as their parent need to teach them the right way to be a friend and the proper way to respect those that are not in their circle.
In a time when the world is fixed on issues of racism etc. (and I am not saying these are not important issues - they are) we show little concern for how are children treat each other across the board. Folks, I'm serious... don't chalk this off as teen age growing pains. That's crap. One of the biggest problems in this world today is the way we treat our fellow man. No we aren't going to like or befriend everyone. People are different... but respect every man... yes absolutely. Let's do our part to bring up a generation of kind, loving, respectful young people. Do your part... it's your job and it's a tough one no doubt.
Angela began her drug use the summer she wrote this entry... let's save other young ones from this feeling of inadequacy... step it up folks... monitor your young ones behavior. Pray for the children.
God bless..
Monday, May 3, 2010
Wee Ones
I often wonder when all the craziness began. I try to think back when we as parents became so busy trying to keep all the balls in the air. Do you remember when? My heart breaks when I hear how are wee ones are learning about life. Youngsters, just babes not understanding how to be kind to each other. Children learn nothing from screaming parents. They don't learn by process of osmosis... they need to be shown in word and deed how to play, how to interact, how to care about others... how to embrace the differences in others... how to accept and love themselves. As a collective group I feel we are all far to critical of each other across the board. Our wee ones suffer when we as adults don't connect with them one on one. We want them to grow up way too fast... to be little adults when they are merely children. As the adults we need to slow down and let them be little. Take the time to teach them, to lead them... it's our job folks. It doesn't matter how busy we are... how tired we are... how frustrated we may be with the world around us... we can not slack off here... it's far too important to their future.
Wee ones grow up to be teenagers... without direction and understanding... without clearly defined lessons of right and wrong... without being told they are special and loved where are they going to turn? These aren't lessons they can learn on the street folks... Drugs, alcohol, violence become far too appealing to teens that have no discipline and parental guidance.
Love them... teach them... lead them...
God Bless You
Wee ones grow up to be teenagers... without direction and understanding... without clearly defined lessons of right and wrong... without being told they are special and loved where are they going to turn? These aren't lessons they can learn on the street folks... Drugs, alcohol, violence become far too appealing to teens that have no discipline and parental guidance.
Love them... teach them... lead them...
God Bless You
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