There are times when I have the privilege to sit down and talk with other adults that deal with teen substance abuse issues and our conversations often leave me with even greater insights and sadly far too much confirmation of what I already know to be true.
Here's what scare me folks - the deterioration of the family unit; family's are dysfunctional and then there is second generation addiction... scary, scary stuff. Listen, I am truly not blaming parents for all the drug use and addiction within our teen population -that would be crazy talk. But what I do know is there are far too many hurting young ones out there and someone needs to start listening, really listening to them. Not listening and thinking at the same time 'what can I do to fix this'? We need to be listening first - to them without interjection... just hear them. Spend some time empathizing with them, their pain, their problems. Guess what that big break up with the boy/girlfriend is devastating to your young one. Now is not the time to minimize it. Their feelings, their emotions, their reactions are real - just because we as parents don't necessarily find their problems really "problems" - (in our minds we're thinking - just wait until you have to face REAL problems). What we see as tiny little issues are often huge mountains they are trying to figure out how to climb.
What you may not be "hearing" underneath are all the thoughts about drugs, alcohol, sex etc.... listen... shhhh... listen... to what may not be spoken...
It truly isn't enough to ask your young one what's wrong and just take the stock answer "nothing" or "you wouldn't understand" and leave it go. That's surely an easy approach to take... well he/she said I wouldn't understand, they're probably right so why bother. Or maybe it's this thought process if I do try and understand you'll only end up in another confrontation... easy out. I've done that one myself. I am so not in the mood for a teenage confrontation tonight... hard day at the office, still have dinner to make etc. forget it I'll let it pass. I just told you I've played that card and regret every time I have done so. I think of how many opportunities I missed with my daughter. Opportunities to communicate, to hear her, to let her know I HEAR HER.
Our young ones want direction, they long to trust us with their hearts. Broken families leave them wondering where does trust and stability play a factor in their family. Busy lives leave us with barely enough time to shower and of course as adults with so much responsibility we need our "me time" as well. I agree... "me time" is important but it is never more important than kid time. Never! As parents we have a responsibility first and foremost to those children which God has entrusted us to love, guide and raise up to the best of our ability. And yes we all make plenty of mistakes.
If you've tried to get your young ones into a conversation and have failed, don't give up. Try another tactic... another time, another situation but come on folks don't just give up. They need you and this is far too important - you must give it your all!
Blessings... remember when you are feeling like you just can keep going... look up and remember to draw your strength of the Father of all creation.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Who is accountable?
I stand so often in a room full of young ones looking at me with tired eyes. They look weary and much older than they really are – drug use ages you folks and not in a good way. Assessing the room is always emotionally difficult for me; the range of emotions emulating from these young folks makes me feel as if I am part of some concoction swirling around inside of a blender. There always seems to be one that stands out in the group that is doing his/her best to double up on the “hardened shell” persona. This breaks my heart. On the inside they are full of so much pain, pain they won’t show with their words or outward appearance yet it hauntingly radiates from under their downcast eyes.
Others are far too quick to tell me how much they have learned through the sessions and how they will never again touch drugs or alcohol. So eager to say the right things that it scares me. I know how difficult it is for them to stay clean. In my heart I am hopeful that they are sincere. For some in the moment they are totally sincere, they just don’t realize that it might be easier said than done. For others it’s just a game they play with me, thing is I’m not playing. During our discussion time they will often unknowingly reveal to me just how sincere they really are about their commitment to sobriety. If they are in truth only playing a game, it’s a deadly one to play. They hurt themselves the most. I tell them upfront to only speak their truth… if they can’t speak the truth then don’t respond. But teens will be teens and their immaturity surfaces easily.
Posing to them the question “how did your parents react to you getting in trouble with drug?” is never easy for me. Mainly because I am almost always astonished to hear that they really didn’t react or seem upset. From the level of apathy in the parent groups, I believe them. Hearing those responses inevitability get’s my feather’s ruffled. I just don’t understand it – parental apathy. I’m not sure if parents realize that their apathy is often passed on through the generations. Not the best gift to give your child(ren).
Let me tell you folks, believe it or not these young ones are yearning for someone to give them direction. They may scream and complain about consequences, but they are old enough to understand that being held accountable by their parent’s means their parents care about the choices they make in life. Too often they are filled with feelings of abandonment and confusion. They lack structure in their lives and they have not been taught how to regain their footing. There are painful situations that they have been through in the short lives and no one is showing them how to deal with their emotions; how to process their experiences so that they can move on to a healthy adult life. How are they to find their way without the help from the parents that brought them into this world?
Who is to be held accountable in these situations? I ask you to consider this question.
Blessings
Others are far too quick to tell me how much they have learned through the sessions and how they will never again touch drugs or alcohol. So eager to say the right things that it scares me. I know how difficult it is for them to stay clean. In my heart I am hopeful that they are sincere. For some in the moment they are totally sincere, they just don’t realize that it might be easier said than done. For others it’s just a game they play with me, thing is I’m not playing. During our discussion time they will often unknowingly reveal to me just how sincere they really are about their commitment to sobriety. If they are in truth only playing a game, it’s a deadly one to play. They hurt themselves the most. I tell them upfront to only speak their truth… if they can’t speak the truth then don’t respond. But teens will be teens and their immaturity surfaces easily.
Posing to them the question “how did your parents react to you getting in trouble with drug?” is never easy for me. Mainly because I am almost always astonished to hear that they really didn’t react or seem upset. From the level of apathy in the parent groups, I believe them. Hearing those responses inevitability get’s my feather’s ruffled. I just don’t understand it – parental apathy. I’m not sure if parents realize that their apathy is often passed on through the generations. Not the best gift to give your child(ren).
Let me tell you folks, believe it or not these young ones are yearning for someone to give them direction. They may scream and complain about consequences, but they are old enough to understand that being held accountable by their parent’s means their parents care about the choices they make in life. Too often they are filled with feelings of abandonment and confusion. They lack structure in their lives and they have not been taught how to regain their footing. There are painful situations that they have been through in the short lives and no one is showing them how to deal with their emotions; how to process their experiences so that they can move on to a healthy adult life. How are they to find their way without the help from the parents that brought them into this world?
Who is to be held accountable in these situations? I ask you to consider this question.
Blessings
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Stay the course
When I was a teenager I pushed the envelope that's for sure. My parents set clear boundaries for me, but I was in truth a tad bit rebellious. I was an only child but believe me I wasn't as spoiled as one might believe. But I was head strong and determined to experience life. That said, when I was defiant and disobeyed the rules I was more than willing to take whatever consequences came my way. I missed many a school dance or sporting event because of my groundings. My parents never left me off early; though I did do some begging and pleading they stuck to their guns.
As a parent I was not very good at that - sticking to my guns. As a child my daughter was so well behaved. It wasn't very often that she needed a time out, or punishment of any kind. Of course the teenage years proved to be a very different story and I for one was not very well prepared. Looking back - one of my worst parental offense was the inability to stay the course with the consequences set forth from her "defiance". I strongly urge all parents, regardless of the age of your child to take this to heart. It is one of the most important lessons you can learn. The earlier you learn it, the better of everyone in your family will be.
In our particular situation I always began to feel sorry for Ang when she was in trouble. I know that I spent most of my life trying to make up for the pain of her young life and the voids that were left in the wake of others dirty deeds. That was my rationale. As good as my intentions may have been, the back lash was devastating. She did not learn to respect my authority and I often let her run rough shot over me. I urge you to consider your specific situation and rectify where necessary.
When consequences are rendered they need to be followed to the letter. Clearly define the consequence and course of action so that everyone has a true understanding of what is expected and stay the course. No matter what. No time off for good behavior. No giving in when you see they are bored or sad or angry. Guess what they are going to be bored, sad and angry. Punishment is not supposed to be fun. It is suppose to be a deterrent from repeating the unacceptable behavior. I guarantee, if you lose your backbone your child will use it to their advantage in the future. The media is constantly showing our youth how to scheme. While we are trying to teach responsibility, respect and good values our youth are hearing vulgarity, disrespect for authority and seeing violence as entertainment.
Drug and alcohol use in teens continues to climb. Our youth are experimenting earlier than ever with drugs, alcohol and sex. They are spending their time texting, instead of learning how to truly communicate with each other. Without strong boundaries, clear expectation and the willingness of parents to stay the course with the consequences of improper behavior it only further solidifies to our youth that more and more we live in a society where "anything goes". Is that what you want for your children?
Stay the course folks... take back your family...your children will respect you for lessons you teach them... after they get through the "I hate you for ruining my life" stage.
God Bless
As a parent I was not very good at that - sticking to my guns. As a child my daughter was so well behaved. It wasn't very often that she needed a time out, or punishment of any kind. Of course the teenage years proved to be a very different story and I for one was not very well prepared. Looking back - one of my worst parental offense was the inability to stay the course with the consequences set forth from her "defiance". I strongly urge all parents, regardless of the age of your child to take this to heart. It is one of the most important lessons you can learn. The earlier you learn it, the better of everyone in your family will be.
In our particular situation I always began to feel sorry for Ang when she was in trouble. I know that I spent most of my life trying to make up for the pain of her young life and the voids that were left in the wake of others dirty deeds. That was my rationale. As good as my intentions may have been, the back lash was devastating. She did not learn to respect my authority and I often let her run rough shot over me. I urge you to consider your specific situation and rectify where necessary.
When consequences are rendered they need to be followed to the letter. Clearly define the consequence and course of action so that everyone has a true understanding of what is expected and stay the course. No matter what. No time off for good behavior. No giving in when you see they are bored or sad or angry. Guess what they are going to be bored, sad and angry. Punishment is not supposed to be fun. It is suppose to be a deterrent from repeating the unacceptable behavior. I guarantee, if you lose your backbone your child will use it to their advantage in the future. The media is constantly showing our youth how to scheme. While we are trying to teach responsibility, respect and good values our youth are hearing vulgarity, disrespect for authority and seeing violence as entertainment.
Drug and alcohol use in teens continues to climb. Our youth are experimenting earlier than ever with drugs, alcohol and sex. They are spending their time texting, instead of learning how to truly communicate with each other. Without strong boundaries, clear expectation and the willingness of parents to stay the course with the consequences of improper behavior it only further solidifies to our youth that more and more we live in a society where "anything goes". Is that what you want for your children?
Stay the course folks... take back your family...your children will respect you for lessons you teach them... after they get through the "I hate you for ruining my life" stage.
God Bless
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Missing Piece
It is so very frustrating when a young one is stuck in an impossible living situation when they are trying to stay sober. Our system is not set up to deal with the in between situations that arise when a young addict does not deserve a lock-down environment and their current home life is not conducive to a positive recovery outcome. Many young people find themselves between a rock and a hard place when those that love them the most are entangled in issues that create torment and drama on a continual basis. This is not to say that the family doesn't love or support the addict themselves... the majority of the time they do... love them and want success for them. However, what happens to this struggling young one when they find themselves in this an atmosphere of adult issues that leave them urning for their drug of choice... simply to escape what they can not change and can not reconcile for themselves?
In order for an addict of any age to succeed in their recovery, they need to be in a positive, nurturing environment. One with clear boundaries of acceptable behavior, consequences and compassion. If they are constantly swept up, even on the peripheral in the drama and pain of others they are not free to work on the very reasons they turn to drugs in the first place. Where does that leave them? Hopelessly lost I am afraid. We are not set up to foster this lost group... it's either rehab or detention. If home isn't working... it's lock down... or yet another stint in rehab. Are either one truly appropriate for one that has been through the rehab program and desires recovery but finds themselves continually seeking refuge from the reality of their current situation. It seems to me that there should be something in between... a half way house of sorts where they are free to work on themselves... visit with their loved ones away from the eye of the storm. Able to love and be loved with out the drama...sadly... there is no such an animal available for those under the age of 18.
Perhaps we are missing a very important piece of the recovery process from our young ones. I will seek the Lord in prayer and hope that we find a way to stand in the gap for the struggling teen addict perhaps BrokenButLoved can be part of the solution.
Blessings
In order for an addict of any age to succeed in their recovery, they need to be in a positive, nurturing environment. One with clear boundaries of acceptable behavior, consequences and compassion. If they are constantly swept up, even on the peripheral in the drama and pain of others they are not free to work on the very reasons they turn to drugs in the first place. Where does that leave them? Hopelessly lost I am afraid. We are not set up to foster this lost group... it's either rehab or detention. If home isn't working... it's lock down... or yet another stint in rehab. Are either one truly appropriate for one that has been through the rehab program and desires recovery but finds themselves continually seeking refuge from the reality of their current situation. It seems to me that there should be something in between... a half way house of sorts where they are free to work on themselves... visit with their loved ones away from the eye of the storm. Able to love and be loved with out the drama...sadly... there is no such an animal available for those under the age of 18.
Perhaps we are missing a very important piece of the recovery process from our young ones. I will seek the Lord in prayer and hope that we find a way to stand in the gap for the struggling teen addict perhaps BrokenButLoved can be part of the solution.
Blessings
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Discipline vs. Punishment
Often times as parents we use the words discipline and punishment interchangeably. I'd prefer to think of the two like this:
Discipline is the guidelines and set of expectations you set forth for your young ones
Punishment is the consequences of non adherence to this set of guidelines
Simple? Sounds simple... it is simple yet ever so difficult. Far be it from me to tell you this is a simplistic look at parenting. I made so many mistakes as a parent, however... I learned heartbreaking lessons that I share with you all in hopes of tempering your desire to let things ride verses nipping them in the bud.
Children need to be told up front and with authority what is expected of them. They need to have a clear understanding of acceptable and unacceptable behaviors. To us it may seem ridiculous to have to tell them that all drugs are off limits. But they need to hear it from YOU. Not just the school, not just the TV from YOU. It is your job as a parent to inform your children of this dangerous situations that can ruin their lives or take them. Just as you explain to them what you expect from them in terms of household responsibilities, school work, etc... they need to know all of peripheral issues as well, drug, sex, honor, honesty...
Outlining your guidelines and rules is the first step. The second step is letting them know clearly the consequences to breaking the rules. I had no problem with setting the guidelines... I had problems with sticking to the punishment "plans". Apply consequences to your young ones is not mean... it does not make you a horrible parent although they will probably bring that to your attention rather quickly... you do them more harm by NOT applying the consequences. If they see you crumble or disagree with a level of punishment...you are in for the ride of your life. They won't forget and they will play you like a fiddle moving forward. Again, been there... done that. They need to be ready for the grown up world and the early they understand that there will always be rules to follow the better.
Drugs kill folks... this is not kindergarten stuff... once our young ones start playing with drugs and alcohol on any level they have hit the big leagues ready or not. They have crossed the line from childhood into a dangerous... very grown up world. Get them ready to understand that... let them know... hold your ground and take back your family.
Blessings...
Discipline is the guidelines and set of expectations you set forth for your young ones
Punishment is the consequences of non adherence to this set of guidelines
Simple? Sounds simple... it is simple yet ever so difficult. Far be it from me to tell you this is a simplistic look at parenting. I made so many mistakes as a parent, however... I learned heartbreaking lessons that I share with you all in hopes of tempering your desire to let things ride verses nipping them in the bud.
Children need to be told up front and with authority what is expected of them. They need to have a clear understanding of acceptable and unacceptable behaviors. To us it may seem ridiculous to have to tell them that all drugs are off limits. But they need to hear it from YOU. Not just the school, not just the TV from YOU. It is your job as a parent to inform your children of this dangerous situations that can ruin their lives or take them. Just as you explain to them what you expect from them in terms of household responsibilities, school work, etc... they need to know all of peripheral issues as well, drug, sex, honor, honesty...
Outlining your guidelines and rules is the first step. The second step is letting them know clearly the consequences to breaking the rules. I had no problem with setting the guidelines... I had problems with sticking to the punishment "plans". Apply consequences to your young ones is not mean... it does not make you a horrible parent although they will probably bring that to your attention rather quickly... you do them more harm by NOT applying the consequences. If they see you crumble or disagree with a level of punishment...you are in for the ride of your life. They won't forget and they will play you like a fiddle moving forward. Again, been there... done that. They need to be ready for the grown up world and the early they understand that there will always be rules to follow the better.
Drugs kill folks... this is not kindergarten stuff... once our young ones start playing with drugs and alcohol on any level they have hit the big leagues ready or not. They have crossed the line from childhood into a dangerous... very grown up world. Get them ready to understand that... let them know... hold your ground and take back your family.
Blessings...
Friday, May 21, 2010
Apathy
How involved in your child's life are you? This question has nothing to do with how much you love them. I am amazed at how many parents are afraid to look at the issue of teen drug/alcohol use. Are we worried that we won't be looked at as the "cool parents"? Are we afraid to see that there may be brokenness within our family unit? I understand that there are multiple problems in this country and around the world. I get that we are all trying so hard to keep our head above water in a world that seems determined to destroy itself... yes I understand. But what happens if we choose not to look the issue of teen substance abuse square in the eyes and deal with it. If we continue to turn a blind eye to this issue the future of our country becomes even more uncertain. We can not allow that to happen people. We NEED our young ones to be thinking clearly and ready to use their intellect, their creativity and their drive to create a better world.
It all starts at home. Don't wait for your school district to do all the work. We must take back our families... we must bring our children back into the fold. Hold them accountable, teach them responsibility, let them know it's okay not to be perfect and help them work through their weaknesses and issue that prey upon them on a daily basis. Your children are a blessing from God. I can't think of anything more important then our youth.
Pray for the children...blessings!
It all starts at home. Don't wait for your school district to do all the work. We must take back our families... we must bring our children back into the fold. Hold them accountable, teach them responsibility, let them know it's okay not to be perfect and help them work through their weaknesses and issue that prey upon them on a daily basis. Your children are a blessing from God. I can't think of anything more important then our youth.
Pray for the children...blessings!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Tween Angst
The words of a young teens whose feelings are broken... take them to heart my friends... tweens and teens are feeling this way every day... every where...
The little black mini skirt
never looked quite right on me
sometimes I'd pretend
that was really me
I'd pretend that I was skinny
that I was buff, babely and blonde
that I was the head cheerleader
with the little outfits on
I'd pretend to be beautiful
like I was always number one
like I was a super model
with the glass slippers on
I'd pretend that I was popular
loved by everyone
that no one thought I was nerdy
no matter what I had on
Now I see the real me
and maybe it's not so bad
I didn't need the glass slippers
that I never even had
I didn't need to be
Like Cindy Crawford or Naomi
I don't have to pretend
cause I'm fine just being me
~~A. Faus~~~(copywrite protected)
Our young ones are constantly under the microscope within their own peer groups. Trying to fit in... was stress and pain it causes them. Parents do you best to really hear what your children are saying to you about how they see themselves... because they are using seeing themselves thru the eyes someone else.
God Bless
The little black mini skirt
never looked quite right on me
sometimes I'd pretend
that was really me
I'd pretend that I was skinny
that I was buff, babely and blonde
that I was the head cheerleader
with the little outfits on
I'd pretend to be beautiful
like I was always number one
like I was a super model
with the glass slippers on
I'd pretend that I was popular
loved by everyone
that no one thought I was nerdy
no matter what I had on
Now I see the real me
and maybe it's not so bad
I didn't need the glass slippers
that I never even had
I didn't need to be
Like Cindy Crawford or Naomi
I don't have to pretend
cause I'm fine just being me
~~A. Faus~~~(copywrite protected)
Our young ones are constantly under the microscope within their own peer groups. Trying to fit in... was stress and pain it causes them. Parents do you best to really hear what your children are saying to you about how they see themselves... because they are using seeing themselves thru the eyes someone else.
God Bless
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