Thursday, July 9, 2009

Uninvited pain

As I stood elbow deep in my cleaning bucket a rush came over me. Yes, she's gone... Angie's gone. It's not like I ever forget it, that reality clings to me, it's part of me. Moments come however, when the pain flows through me as if I had been struck by a lightening bolt. Her pain becomes my pain. I remember clearly her tears flowing soaking my shirt as I held her tightly. Mom, why am I so different, why don't I have any friends... I want to be liked, I want to be loved. So beaten down by the world around her, longing to be part of a circle of friends that did not include drugs in their life style. Trying to be part of their world and being shunned with every effort. Most people do not believe in second changes, they don't believe people can change. How sad really, that we aren't willing to give those who have made mistakes a chance to be welcomed back with open arms to the friends who once claimed to love them. The ripping apart of my heart seems to never end. I miss her so very much. I miss her smile, her beautiful heart, her gift of poetry... her relentless quest to learn... someday. I close my eyes and picture her as she comes to me in dreams... I so long to reach out and touch her there but it is only that... a longing. I pray to the Lord for his peace that surpasses all understanding so that I can make it through another day.

How are these young people today with the same problems, the same issues, the same desires suppose to reach out to another world, one without drugs? Where do they go from where they are to where they want to be? Can you imagine how hard it is to find new friends? To start over again during your teenage years? A time when your emotions and hormones are raging and volatile? How do they step out of what has become their comfort zone with drugs and alcohol into a world where they must feel everything... exactly how it is meant to be felt... no numbing, no extra laughter... no hazed over thoughts. Just pure, real emotion. Oh Lord I pray you will speak to me the words that will help to answer this question. Give me the ways and means to bring about the change needed to help these young people grow beyond this haze of drugs...

I could not take Angie's pain and longing from her, I could only love her, hold her... pray for her. Was there more I could have done? The answer to that questions will no doubt plaque me the rest of my days on this earth.

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