Amazed

Every day I rise and read the morning news headlines and my heart cries out "what is happening to our country, to our world, to our youth?" This morning I see mug shots of three young men who robbed a young couple and they are smiling. Smiling I tell you, like they are so proud of themselves. How can anyone be so blind that they do not see the line between right and wrong? I suppose they just choose to ignore it. Why? Where did it all go wrong? When did they decide that it was okay to take what did not belong to them? Who taught them this theory, or perhaps there just wasn't any one around to teach them differently.

What is to become of this country if we do not embrace our youth NOW! Surround them with love and guidance NOW! Teach them values not just by words but by how we live our lives. Talk the talk with them and then walk the walk with them. Our Lord walks with us every moment of our lives. Do these young people even know there is another way???

Blessings

It has been way too long since I have posted here. My hands are in terrible shape and typing is difficult but no excuse. October 6th I will get one of them operated on so I will be on my way to full typing ability!

Do you know about Red Ribbon Week? If you do not you should be aware. Everyone should be aware of the dangers of drugs and alcohol, not only to those who use it but those who put their lives on the line everyday to try and stop it. Educate yourself it's important - many lives are at stake. http://camarenafoundation.org/why_kiki.htm

There are times when I get overwhelmed by the sad state of affairs that surround the issue of substance abuse. Agencies don't communicate very well with each other, young people don't want to "get involved" when they see their friends making poor decisions. People don't know what resources are available to them as alternatives to using drugs. Fun, my friends does not come in a bottle, a syringe or a pipe of any kind. Fun, joy, happiness all come from within. It comes from knowing who you are and where you are going and knowing with the guidance of Christ all things are possible.

At this moment as I type I am thinking of Angela... I miss her so much. I long to see her perfect smile and beautiful face. In my dreams she is there but only in my dreams.

Blessings

Keep moving

I've been up since 6:00 am well before the sun began to rise for the day. The chill in the air tells me yes fall is on it's way. I for one am glad to have fall be knocking on the door. I love the changing seasons, not too much of any one type of weather... exactly the way God intended.

Yesterday as I sat in church I cried. September 6th, 2007 is when we buried Angela. Most people don't remember that, as her mother I shall never forget anything that happened between August 31 - September 6, 2007. Every painful "chore" my husband and I had to tackled in order to put our little girl to rest. Every tear, every sleepless night... etched in my mind forever. That is why I so long to help others with their drug issues. If I can touch the heart of even one addict that will not die from their addiction than everything is worth it.

To bring others to Christ, to help them turn over their burdens and find peace... what a glorious task for me. To plant the seeds... that's really what I do... plant, plant, plant... pray, pray, pray... the Lord helps with the rest.

Applying for Not-for-Profit status is very difficult my friends. They make it so difficult to help others. I guess too many folks with ill intent have made it hard on those that really want to make a difference. So, tomorrow I will try and complete the rest of my application. I am excited to begin raising funds for group outings and expansion of my group sessions.

I know the Lord will continue to open doors and give me opportunities to touch others and expand... how do I know this??? Because the Lord longs to give me the desires of my heart... and the desires of my heart is to reach as many young people as I can. Praise the Lord for his presence... there isn't anything our mighty Lord can not do.

Blessings

September 1, 2007

September 1, 2007 my daughter Angela left this earth due to an accidental overdose of heroin. I couldn't bring myself to write about that day because the pain is still very close to the surface. I loved her so much, as did her family. In an instant she was gone. So much pain, so much suffering she endured in her short 22 years... she was so tired... so very very tired. She prayed a great deal the week before her death. Perhaps, the Lord heard her pain and knew that the only way for her to be healed was by bringing her home to rest with Him. Praise God that his Son's blood covered her. I know at the moment of her death He was with her, gently wrapping His loving arms around her and carrying to a place of peace. His perfect peace.

Does that bring us all here comfort? Yes, in a very real way it does. The blessed assurance our Lord Jesus gives us when we rest in Him allows His grace to fall upon us all in our time of suffering. My human condition still allows me to feel the great pain and lose of losing my dear precious child. My friend, my confidant... Ohhhh how I miss her so... how I long to hold her and see her smile. For now I know she is at peace.

God's calling to me, to bring BrokenButLoved to life keeps me moving forward. I know that I must for God's glory reach out to those young people, just like Angie who need love, guidance and the peace of knowing Jesus. So just like an athlete I play through the pain because it is my God given assignment.

Lift me up in prayers dear friends... I am certainly appreciative of all the prayers I can get.

Blessings

Birthdays and bashes

Yesterday would have been my daughter Angela's 24th birthday. I found myself laying in bed with one of my dogs at 5:13 am singing Happy Birthday to her. It was a tradition in our home to sing happy birthday to each other at our birth time... she didn't appreciate it too much when she was a teenager. But as a young child and then as a young woman she loved it. Special times, special memories, all tied in with unbelievable pain. I miss her more than words can say.

It's in these moments that the mission and vision for BrokenButLoved is even further ingrained in my heart. God voice speaking softly to me... stop the insanity Rose... reach out, touch as many as you can... drugs and alcohol are killing our future.

Lancaster city has been plagued with an rash of violent deaths over the last several weeks. Shootings, stabbings... deaths... over drugs... over gang "grudges" and our city residence are angry and upset. The sad part is they are voicing their angry, much which borderlines on hatred towards the "gangster" as they call them population. I understand their frustration but what I don't understand is this "hatred". Jesus teaches us a different way and it's time this country of our got back to our roots and remembered a different way to lives. Instead of spewing out angry words, name calling... etc. perhaps, just perhaps much more could be accomplished by putting that unproductive energy into volunteering to make a positive impact on our city.

Productivity and positive influence and reinforcement is what these struggling young people need. They need to see the light of Jesus in our eyes, in our voices, in our hearts... we need to listen... to teach... it's the only way.

Blessings,
Rose

Weddings

On August 15th my youngest son married the women of his dreams. What a blessed day for our family. The Spirit of the Lord moved freely throughout the Chapel and all through the reception, rejoicing with us at the union of these two beautiful souls. Among all the pain and suffering in this life comes these moments of pure joy and we give thanks.

August is a hard month for me as Angela's birthday is the 31st. The second anniversary of her death follows immediately on Sept. 1st. Every year I must prepare for whatever is to come over this time period. I ask God for strength and comfort for I know I will need that at the very least. Sustaining grace is the gift the Lord has provided for me over these last two years, I have great faith that He will continue to provide it.

The Beauty of the Lord, the reality of Life

The Lord is my rock and my fortress, He is mighty, He is merciful, His blood covers me, I am filled with his peace. What an amazing feeling and worthy of everyone's consideration when they look at their life and gage how they are doing on their own? Is there own "inner strength" enough to sustain them with a measure of peace and promise in times of trials and pain? Or is there something missing? Is life not going quite as planned because they are trying in vain to steer their own course, plot their own path, make it on their own in a world that is pulling us all in every possible direction at the same time. The TV taunts us to buy more stuff, to make more money, to drive a fancier car... the one who dies with the most toys wins. It is a sad thought that so many folks are consumed by the need for more stuff and less concerned about the spiritual health and the spiritual health of their families. I am not sitting in judgement, I am merely speaking of what I witness on a daily basis. It doesn't matter how many toys you have, when death comes, they mean nothing! You leave this world the same way you came in to it, with nothing but your soul, your spirit and your physical presence. Reality check folks... think about it.

God loves us no matter who we are, how many toys we have and what choices we have made in our lives. But in order to find peace, we must reconcile those choices with God. I see the tears in the eyes of parents whose child is using drugs and they are so torn and frustrated and scared. Well they should be; their child's life and future is on the line. These young people are setting a precedence for a pattern of making bad choices that could - I say could stay with them the rest of their lives if something doesn't click in their minds, if something doesn't change.

That change can not be forced or coerced - it needs to come within them. They need a reason to move in a positive forward motion. They need guidance as to how to bring about this change. They need not only new skill sets for daily living but also a new thought process, a new faith process for spiritual growth, for lifetime success. The seeds need to be planted and then nurtured so that they continue to grow, strong and healthy and able to stand on their own without drugs, without alcohol... standing gloriously with the Lord and a host of heavenly Angels to guide them forward.

Blessings
Rose

Trying to fly too soon

Last evening when I returned from speaking to a group of wonderful young people I sat to discuss the days events with my husband. As we were sitting on the porch he spoke to me of three young robins that he had contact with after work. One of the poor babies he found dead in the yard, one had fallen from the tree and was unable to fly so he gently picked it up and sat it down over the fence and the other was also in our yard but had much better wings. This one "flew" a little bit and then scurried off through a hole in our fence. Mind you with three dogs it's very important that we keep a watchful eye out for baby birds and bunnies. We sat there and I heard the mother robin still calling for her babies. She was sitting on our wood pile in the area where the babies had at one time been. She called and called for them... perhaps calling out "where are you" or perhaps mourning the loss of one of her precious children. Robins are notorious for leaving the nest far too soon, thinking they are ready to fly. My our heart ached for her, knowing the pain of losing a child far too soon. Thanking the Lord for his creation and the grace he gives me each and every day I began to think on the subject.

Those baby robins and their mother are so like we are as humans. Those wonderful young people that I had the pleasure of addressing and talking with so like the babies robins leaving the nest too soon, unprepared for what truly lies ahead. Venturing into unfamiliar territory - drugs, alcohol... searching for their freedom not even realizing that being dependent on drugs is not being free. They step out of childhood... into young adulthood without the proper armour and without all the necessary skills yet in place. The reality of drug and alcohol abuse is you are never truly free or independent as long as they are part of your life.

What makes us feel the need to leave the nest so soon? Why when we start to hit the magic teenage years do we feel we must be so independent? Looking back I remember that feeling but now that I am much older I long to be nurtured and taken care of a bit. If only these young folks could hold onto their childhood a bit longer, enjoying it, savoring it... embracing the magic of youth.

Blessings,
Rose

Uninvited pain

As I stood elbow deep in my cleaning bucket a rush came over me. Yes, she's gone... Angie's gone. It's not like I ever forget it, that reality clings to me, it's part of me. Moments come however, when the pain flows through me as if I had been struck by a lightening bolt. Her pain becomes my pain. I remember clearly her tears flowing soaking my shirt as I held her tightly. Mom, why am I so different, why don't I have any friends... I want to be liked, I want to be loved. So beaten down by the world around her, longing to be part of a circle of friends that did not include drugs in their life style. Trying to be part of their world and being shunned with every effort. Most people do not believe in second changes, they don't believe people can change. How sad really, that we aren't willing to give those who have made mistakes a chance to be welcomed back with open arms to the friends who once claimed to love them. The ripping apart of my heart seems to never end. I miss her so very much. I miss her smile, her beautiful heart, her gift of poetry... her relentless quest to learn... someday. I close my eyes and picture her as she comes to me in dreams... I so long to reach out and touch her there but it is only that... a longing. I pray to the Lord for his peace that surpasses all understanding so that I can make it through another day.

How are these young people today with the same problems, the same issues, the same desires suppose to reach out to another world, one without drugs? Where do they go from where they are to where they want to be? Can you imagine how hard it is to find new friends? To start over again during your teenage years? A time when your emotions and hormones are raging and volatile? How do they step out of what has become their comfort zone with drugs and alcohol into a world where they must feel everything... exactly how it is meant to be felt... no numbing, no extra laughter... no hazed over thoughts. Just pure, real emotion. Oh Lord I pray you will speak to me the words that will help to answer this question. Give me the ways and means to bring about the change needed to help these young people grow beyond this haze of drugs...

I could not take Angie's pain and longing from her, I could only love her, hold her... pray for her. Was there more I could have done? The answer to that questions will no doubt plaque me the rest of my days on this earth.

New and updated website

BrokenButLoved.org is now under going a total revamping of its website. The old website is still in place but check by often as I am currently designing the new site. I'm not a professional web designer as you can see from my first attempt, but the budget is small - so I must do it myself.

No worries... I know that the true look, feel and heart of this ministry is about to be born on the big ole web!!!!

Please keep me in your prayers!

Blessings
Rose

It's been a while

It's been quite some time since I last posted. I have been busy re-writing my current life state of affairs. I have moved on from my full time job and have taken on BrokenButLoved's ministry full time. There is so much work to be done, so many lives to touch, so much love to give. Each day I rise in prayer thanking the Lord for blessing me with yet another day to try and make a difference. I pray for energy and passion, for the love of Christ to shine through me. Lead me Lord to those things I must do, those young people I must touch.

As more doors begin to open I am filled with a greater sense of urgency because I see so clearly what others turn their eyes away from everyday... broken dreams, broken homes, broken spirits... drugs and alcohol being used to "glue" it all back together in some fashion. The problem is that drugs and alcohol are liars, they hold no truth but death in some form or another... you can not fix a broken life without truth... truth and love.

I had the pleasure of meeting a young man on Monday evening that I have been in contact with only through email. Heads Up Lancaster was having an Urban Art Show in downtown Lancaster so I trotted downtown to meet him and to see what this program is doing in our city. My heart was so full of joy when I saw him and watched him. Even before I spoke with him directly I could see and feel the love of Christ shining within him, radiating far beyond his personal space. Watching him with the young people and his beautiful family - interacting with all of them in such a peaceful way - yet in constant motion. Meeting him personally was just awesome - his vision, what he and his group have put into practice, brought into being is amazing.

The young people dancing and clapping and sending out a beautiful message of true joy to the universe brought a lightness to my heart song for that evening. Joy in motion... bear witness my friends because it exists...do not close your eyes or your hearts to the possibility.

Reading the headlines

As I follow the news headlines I am each day more grateful than the day before that I know Christ as my Lord and Saviour. Our country is in serious trouble folks our leaders are forgetting "In God We Trust", they are forgetting what our founding fathers held so dearly in their hearts. Why are we moving so much further from the truth? Is the truth too hard for us to follow? Becausing believing and following God's word is not for the lazy... it takes daily interaction, hard work, dedication, belief... it means stepping outside our comfort zone to reach out and help another. It means giving up the "it's all about ME" attitude and saying it's all about the Lord... it's all about US helping EACH OTHER to regain control of this declining society that is being created in the U.S.

Brothers and sisters won't you help me... reach out... lend a hand. Help a friend, better yet help and stranger... pray for them... speak to them of the love of Christ. Awaken...

Amazing Grace

The mighty power of Christ has been working in my life in gentle hues and bright bold colors. I never know from one day to the next which is will be but I know I will see his work somewhere around me, dealing directly with my life journey. Praise God!!!

I find such a joy in giving to others, a joy, pure joy. Whether it's time, or gifts it doesn't matter to me, just being able to give whatever I have makes me feel peaceful. I am grateful to be in a position where my heart is free to give itself as the Lord calls me. There was a time when I was wrapped in such despair, fear and pain that I could barely look myself in the mirror, barely walk out my front door. The Lord has lifted me higher than I ever imagined possible.

Dark side

I feel like no matter what I do there is a darkness inside of me that can not reach the light of the Lord. I try and try and yet I have this aching set before me in brillant colors, showing itself to me, taunting me... "Here I am you can not release me to Christ, I am too powerful"... I know in my heart that can never be true. My savior is the King of King this piece of me that is still so far away from him is like a run-a-way child. Sly, quick and ready to run with a venegance. Why would it so wish to elude me? Why would it choose to stay in the darkness? It is the part of me that I distain and yet I still call it friend? It is dead weight to me and yet I carry it and wear it why?

My kids - Drug Awareness

I call them my kids but they really aren't, but in a small way I feel so connected to them once we meet because we share a common thread - their drug use and my experience with Angie's. So, that's what I do once or twice a month at this point, I go and I talk with them and also with their parents. It catharic for me and so far it appears at least in part I am having a positive impact.

The last group of kids I met with happened on February 4th. I meet with them at the end of their D & A class through juvenile probation and parole. So by the time I get them they've been lectured too and videod to death. Their experience with me is different. I talk with them not to them. I try and be real... truthful... they want to hear the truth but they want the whole truth. I don't sugar coat anything. I don't hide my faith in Christ. I hit them straight on, make them think and try and get them to realize they are not the center of the universe.

In this group I had one gentleman that would not show any expression. I was able to make eye contact with him but no expression. I try and get some sort of expression - verbal or otherwise from all my kids if possible. So, I told him if he didn't at least give me a smile I was going to rap to him. So I did the rap portion of the TLC song "Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls"... half way through he smiled... by the end he was "laughing" just little. What a beautiful smile.... what a beautiful young man full of so much pain.

I was reading my thank you "letter's" from that group on Monday night and I ran across his... no signature, that's how anymomous he must feel he needs to be. In his note he thanked me and said he never thought anyone could ever touch him so deeply inside, and that he has spent his whole life living with a beautiful mother who is an addict. I cried and cried... how I wish I would have known. How I wish I could reach out to him... to hug him... to tell him again that he is loved so much.

God gives me what I need for these kids, the words, the vibe... everything. I feel so blessed in this area of my life. Thank you Lord!

Mother's and Daughter's

Currently, my mom is lying in a hospital bed in the emergency room of our local hospital. She has been there since Monday evening at 7:30 pm... they have no other rooms or beds. My mom has been a heart patient for 17 years and as we visited with my grandfather Monday evening I was watching my feeling, noticing her, feeling her distress. After much prodding she finally admitted that she was short of breath and was tight in the chest and had used her nitro only 20 minutes earlier with just marginal relief. Thankfully, the nurse taking care of my grandfather took her blood pressure which was very high and off to the emergency room we went. So, there we sat and waited, then off to a bed to wait... then into another room to wait... finally two hours ago they did the echo cardiogram they were suppose to do on Monday night. No results as of yet but all things seem to be leading to a heart cath at the very least.

Mothers and daughters... strange creatures we are, very strange in deed. We hide from each other, darting in and out of the line of questioning on our health, our jobs, our children. We certainly don't want to cause the other any additional stress. While the thought is well intended in actuality the outcome is usually far more stressful and traumatic than the original discussion could have been. My mom is a great example... this is the second time she has hidden from me for many months the fact that she was feeling so poorly and having this "tightness" in her chest. The last time ended up having her needing open heart surgery to replace a value in her heart. Why is it that one person on this earth we should trust with anything and everything is often the one person we don't turn to out of fear... fear that we may cause them discomfort. God does not want us to fear the truth in anything. Truth is love, God is truth, God is love... I told my mom I do not fear anything because I know that God's hands are in everything.

While we await her test results, am I concerned? Off course I am, I am concerned about what they will find, if they can fix it, how it will effect her life... but I am not afraid. I know that whatever God's plan is to be for her, for I it is the only plan. Neither of us can fear that which is of God. Her life, my life is in our Creator's hands for that I am eternally grateful.

No pain no gain

So yesterday I had my first session at the gym where I am making yet again another attempt to become un-fat! My new trainer is pretty awesome, I really like her. I like her space as well, clean, comfortable... folks seem nice. I'm off and running (not literally) of course but she has this whole program designed specifically for me. As I am unique! She asked me up front if I just wanted to do the short set of the routine or the full set since it was my first day and all. Well, initially I said let's start slow... but some unseen force of temporary insanity took over as I began to get going and I was like "let's do this thing"! I felt energized, pumped.... sweaty.... moving my big old fat body around and I was happy I could still do it to be honest. I'm a whole lotta woman my friends and the pure joy of movement spurred me onward.

Well - today is a whole different story. While I am still glad that I went all out... I feel like I've been rolled over by a tractor trailer. Things ache that I forgot even existed. But amazingly enough I plan to go after work today and just walk the tread mill for a bit to loosen up. Then Tuesday morning bright and early I will be at it again. Pain or not...I have so much to do in my life. God wants me to take care of me. How can I fulfill his destiny for me if I do not or can not control my eating and maintain a healthy weight and lifestyle? God is my strong tower and my body should be a temple for him.

Control?

I used to find it amusing (I was even a bit envious) when I would hear people talk about how they had so much control over their lives. They had it all wrapped up in a nice neat package, timely schedules, their kids were going to all the right schools - they had it all figured out. Now I just find it sad, it is no longer amusing to me because I have grown in Christ. I an no longer envious of those who do not understand that God is in control. Certainly we have our limited power of free will within us to control our tempers, our eating, our actions and reactions. But without seeking the help and guidance of the Holy Spirit we often fall short of those seemingly "little" things. But the big stuff we have to listen to God and seek him. Now not everyone would agree with me on that issue.

I have had the experience of watching several lovely, well managed, totally controlled families fall completely apart when life threw them an unexpected curve ball. Suddenly, they were no longer in control. This situation did not fit into their perfect plan. What an eye opener. How heartbreaking to witness the unfolding events... how awesome to be able to witness to those in pain.

God gives those who follow him untold numbers of opportunities to witness to others and share the love of Christ with them. So often we miss those chances or are afraid we might offend or intrude on someones space. Intrude away folks... I am not embarrassed about my belief, my trust, my love of my Saviour... it is our duty to spread the good word.

Remember who you are in Christ... if you are not certain... look within yourself and find out. Ask God to provide you with the answer. Be still... listen... believe!

Today

My dreams last night were once again having me in a school setting and being unprepared, late for class and not even knowing what my scheduled class was to be. I have this dream frequently and each time I have to wonder why I can never get it all together.

I have so many dreams still left for my life. That's what BrokenButLoved is my dream which I am slowly bringing into a reality. I am always torn in so many different directions, it's been that way for the last 15 years of my life. What I want is to be able to focus. I used to be so proficient at focusing on multiple issues and dealing with each one, now a days - not so much. My mind is cluttered and I am trying to clear the dust away. Here I am a 40 hour a week day job which helps support my family and this mission in my mind that needs much more attention than I am able to give it. That upset and frustrates me.

Being an only child is difficult. As every one ages it all falls on me to pick up all the loose ends and keep it all afloat. That in itself is a full time job! I am not complaining simply stating that God has put alot on my plate and many times I feel overwhelmed by it all.

Weakness turns to strength through faith...

Time flies

Yesterday marked one month since the death of my Dad, Paul. I vividly I remember his passing. The hours that drug on and on as we watch him prepare to leave us. His frustration when he was still coherent. See Daddy couldn't hear anymore and because of the leukemia in his spinal fluid he could barely speak. When he did speak, you were hard pressed to understand him. How hard that must have been for him, how painful to know you are dying and not be able to hear the expressions of love made by your family or to be able to express your own feelings. He was scared and tired and full of pain. The light in his eyes that used to shine so brightly was fading slowing. Holding his hand and staring into his eyes was about all I could do except pray. Sleep would not come, relaxation would not come... so I prayed, I sang to him, I talked to him - even knowing he couldn't understand me. I remember clearly, it was around 10:15 am that Sunday morning, he opened his eyes after about 7 hours. I called to him Daddy, I love you but he was looking at something much more beautiful than my eyes have yet to behold. I believe he knew we were there... I believe he heard me cry I love you as I held his hand and he took his final breaths. The pain comes... the pain returns... he and Angela now together with our Lord. They are dancing and singing with the angels in heaven and both are healed and pain free. I only wish my heart was free from the pain of losing them.

Onward through the fog

Today I feel engulfed in a dense moist fog and it's dragging me down. So many things are dragging me down this week. Not just today, too many decisions to make. To many options available to me. Or is there? When God is leading your heart the other options don't hold much weight - or at least you they shouldn't. But sadly as human beings we have a difficult time letting God guide our paths. Our brain always try and take over - our intellect can be a dangerous commodity. Isn't funny when you think about it. Our God-given intellect is often the part of us that fights our God-given pathways the most. Irony in that thought -

Today, I am struggling. Struggling with which path to take and when to take it. Struggling with passed events that have greatly affected my thought process. I don't like it when I feel so disjointed and scattered. I much prefer the feeling of peaceful that God allows in my heart. For this moment I remain frustrated, however I know that if I continue to pursue the Lord my frustration will subside.

The little things

After an amazingly beautiful full moon Sunday the Lord has blessed me with a bright clear Monday morning! I sat outside with my coffee my sprouty pups which are far too old to be sprouty and watched the birds fly back and forth. The sunrise being painted before my eyes was filled with bright orange and pink, the rising sun actually stung my eyes. How I treasure these few moments of peace before I start my day in the working world.

It quite a transformation moving from the splendor of my back porch to the frustration of the roadways. Watching the other cars drive by and no one is smiling. Either their ears are plastered to cell phones or their faces seem stone cold, emotionless. How sad, how very sad that all of these people going somewhere and none of them appear to be happy about it. They don't even appear to be happy about being alive or having the ability to drive themselves somewhere, anywhere.

It appears to me that we need to spend a bit more time on counting our blessings. God has given us life. Let us all rejoice in the little things.