Wednesday, January 21, 2009


I used to find it amusing (I was even a bit envious) when I would hear people talk about how they had so much control over their lives. They had it all wrapped up in a nice neat package, timely schedules, their kids were going to all the right schools - they had it all figured out. Now I just find it sad, it is no longer amusing to me because I have grown in Christ. I an no longer envious of those who do not understand that God is in control. Certainly we have our limited power of free will within us to control our tempers, our eating, our actions and reactions. But without seeking the help and guidance of the Holy Spirit we often fall short of those seemingly "little" things. But the big stuff we have to listen to God and seek him. Now not everyone would agree with me on that issue.

I have had the experience of watching several lovely, well managed, totally controlled families fall completely apart when life threw them an unexpected curve ball. Suddenly, they were no longer in control. This situation did not fit into their perfect plan. What an eye opener. How heartbreaking to witness the unfolding events... how awesome to be able to witness to those in pain.

God gives those who follow him untold numbers of opportunities to witness to others and share the love of Christ with them. So often we miss those chances or are afraid we might offend or intrude on someones space. Intrude away folks... I am not embarrassed about my belief, my trust, my love of my Saviour... it is our duty to spread the good word.

Remember who you are in Christ... if you are not certain... look within yourself and find out. Ask God to provide you with the answer. Be still... listen... believe!

Friday, January 16, 2009


My dreams last night were once again having me in a school setting and being unprepared, late for class and not even knowing what my scheduled class was to be. I have this dream frequently and each time I have to wonder why I can never get it all together.

I have so many dreams still left for my life. That's what BrokenButLoved is my dream which I am slowly bringing into a reality. I am always torn in so many different directions, it's been that way for the last 15 years of my life. What I want is to be able to focus. I used to be so proficient at focusing on multiple issues and dealing with each one, now a days - not so much. My mind is cluttered and I am trying to clear the dust away. Here I am a 40 hour a week day job which helps support my family and this mission in my mind that needs much more attention than I am able to give it. That upset and frustrates me.

Being an only child is difficult. As every one ages it all falls on me to pick up all the loose ends and keep it all afloat. That in itself is a full time job! I am not complaining simply stating that God has put alot on my plate and many times I feel overwhelmed by it all.

Weakness turns to strength through faith...

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Time flies

Yesterday marked one month since the death of my Dad, Paul. I vividly I remember his passing. The hours that drug on and on as we watch him prepare to leave us. His frustration when he was still coherent. See Daddy couldn't hear anymore and because of the leukemia in his spinal fluid he could barely speak. When he did speak, you were hard pressed to understand him. How hard that must have been for him, how painful to know you are dying and not be able to hear the expressions of love made by your family or to be able to express your own feelings. He was scared and tired and full of pain. The light in his eyes that used to shine so brightly was fading slowing. Holding his hand and staring into his eyes was about all I could do except pray. Sleep would not come, relaxation would not come... so I prayed, I sang to him, I talked to him - even knowing he couldn't understand me. I remember clearly, it was around 10:15 am that Sunday morning, he opened his eyes after about 7 hours. I called to him Daddy, I love you but he was looking at something much more beautiful than my eyes have yet to behold. I believe he knew we were there... I believe he heard me cry I love you as I held his hand and he took his final breaths. The pain comes... the pain returns... he and Angela now together with our Lord. They are dancing and singing with the angels in heaven and both are healed and pain free. I only wish my heart was free from the pain of losing them.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Onward through the fog

Today I feel engulfed in a dense moist fog and it's dragging me down. So many things are dragging me down this week. Not just today, too many decisions to make. To many options available to me. Or is there? When God is leading your heart the other options don't hold much weight - or at least you they shouldn't. But sadly as human beings we have a difficult time letting God guide our paths. Our brain always try and take over - our intellect can be a dangerous commodity. Isn't funny when you think about it. Our God-given intellect is often the part of us that fights our God-given pathways the most. Irony in that thought -

Today, I am struggling. Struggling with which path to take and when to take it. Struggling with passed events that have greatly affected my thought process. I don't like it when I feel so disjointed and scattered. I much prefer the feeling of peaceful that God allows in my heart. For this moment I remain frustrated, however I know that if I continue to pursue the Lord my frustration will subside.

Monday, January 12, 2009

The little things

After an amazingly beautiful full moon Sunday the Lord has blessed me with a bright clear Monday morning! I sat outside with my coffee my sprouty pups which are far too old to be sprouty and watched the birds fly back and forth. The sunrise being painted before my eyes was filled with bright orange and pink, the rising sun actually stung my eyes. How I treasure these few moments of peace before I start my day in the working world.

It quite a transformation moving from the splendor of my back porch to the frustration of the roadways. Watching the other cars drive by and no one is smiling. Either their ears are plastered to cell phones or their faces seem stone cold, emotionless. How sad, how very sad that all of these people going somewhere and none of them appear to be happy about it. They don't even appear to be happy about being alive or having the ability to drive themselves somewhere, anywhere.

It appears to me that we need to spend a bit more time on counting our blessings. God has given us life. Let us all rejoice in the little things.