Is this the new normal?

I have been speaking to youth and their parents now for almost three years regarding the issue of drug and alcohol use/abuse. Let me be blunt! The apathy among both sets is ever increasing and this my friends is a sad, sad trend especially among the parents/adults. A heartbreaking trend at least for me.

It used to be I'd be missing a few parents with each group, but more and more less and less parents are showing up to the group sessions. Okay, I get that times are getting tougher and perhaps some folks have no other option but to be working during that one night for 2 hours. But wake up folks this is your child's future we are talking about here...and sometimes we have to make tough choices in order to get our priorities straight. Now, I am not talking about those who have no choice (those who may work for unyielding bosses)I'm addressing those adults who simply choose not to participate. What message does that send to the youth involved? Gee... I don't know, what do you think it says?

I find myself now not only fighting the drug issues themselves but the 'I just don't care' issue as well. Not with everyone, some of these youth are listening and actively trying to change their lives and I applaud them. I just keep praying that this is not the new normal and just a passing phase. However, with the widespread apathy among the country in general perhaps they are just learning what they live.

Please be in prayer for all concerned.

God Bless

Are you listening

There are times when I have the privilege to sit down and talk with other adults that deal with teen substance abuse issues and our conversations often leave me with even greater insights and sadly far too much confirmation of what I already know to be true.

Here's what scare me folks - the deterioration of the family unit; family's are dysfunctional and then there is second generation addiction... scary, scary stuff. Listen, I am truly not blaming parents for all the drug use and addiction within our teen population -that would be crazy talk. But what I do know is there are far too many hurting young ones out there and someone needs to start listening, really listening to them. Not listening and thinking at the same time 'what can I do to fix this'? We need to be listening first - to them without interjection... just hear them. Spend some time empathizing with them, their pain, their problems. Guess what that big break up with the boy/girlfriend is devastating to your young one. Now is not the time to minimize it. Their feelings, their emotions, their reactions are real - just because we as parents don't necessarily find their problems really "problems" - (in our minds we're thinking - just wait until you have to face REAL problems). What we see as tiny little issues are often huge mountains they are trying to figure out how to climb.

What you may not be "hearing" underneath are all the thoughts about drugs, alcohol, sex etc.... listen... shhhh... listen... to what may not be spoken...

It truly isn't enough to ask your young one what's wrong and just take the stock answer "nothing" or "you wouldn't understand" and leave it go. That's surely an easy approach to take... well he/she said I wouldn't understand, they're probably right so why bother. Or maybe it's this thought process if I do try and understand you'll only end up in another confrontation... easy out. I've done that one myself. I am so not in the mood for a teenage confrontation tonight... hard day at the office, still have dinner to make etc. forget it I'll let it pass. I just told you I've played that card and regret every time I have done so. I think of how many opportunities I missed with my daughter. Opportunities to communicate, to hear her, to let her know I HEAR HER.

Our young ones want direction, they long to trust us with their hearts. Broken families leave them wondering where does trust and stability play a factor in their family. Busy lives leave us with barely enough time to shower and of course as adults with so much responsibility we need our "me time" as well. I agree... "me time" is important but it is never more important than kid time. Never! As parents we have a responsibility first and foremost to those children which God has entrusted us to love, guide and raise up to the best of our ability. And yes we all make plenty of mistakes.

If you've tried to get your young ones into a conversation and have failed, don't give up. Try another tactic... another time, another situation but come on folks don't just give up. They need you and this is far too important - you must give it your all!

Blessings... remember when you are feeling like you just can keep going... look up and remember to draw your strength of the Father of all creation.

Who is accountable?

I stand so often in a room full of young ones looking at me with tired eyes. They look weary and much older than they really are – drug use ages you folks and not in a good way. Assessing the room is always emotionally difficult for me; the range of emotions emulating from these young folks makes me feel as if I am part of some concoction swirling around inside of a blender. There always seems to be one that stands out in the group that is doing his/her best to double up on the “hardened shell” persona. This breaks my heart. On the inside they are full of so much pain, pain they won’t show with their words or outward appearance yet it hauntingly radiates from under their downcast eyes.

Others are far too quick to tell me how much they have learned through the sessions and how they will never again touch drugs or alcohol. So eager to say the right things that it scares me. I know how difficult it is for them to stay clean. In my heart I am hopeful that they are sincere. For some in the moment they are totally sincere, they just don’t realize that it might be easier said than done. For others it’s just a game they play with me, thing is I’m not playing. During our discussion time they will often unknowingly reveal to me just how sincere they really are about their commitment to sobriety. If they are in truth only playing a game, it’s a deadly one to play. They hurt themselves the most. I tell them upfront to only speak their truth… if they can’t speak the truth then don’t respond. But teens will be teens and their immaturity surfaces easily.

Posing to them the question “how did your parents react to you getting in trouble with drug?” is never easy for me. Mainly because I am almost always astonished to hear that they really didn’t react or seem upset. From the level of apathy in the parent groups, I believe them. Hearing those responses inevitability get’s my feather’s ruffled. I just don’t understand it – parental apathy. I’m not sure if parents realize that their apathy is often passed on through the generations. Not the best gift to give your child(ren).

Let me tell you folks, believe it or not these young ones are yearning for someone to give them direction. They may scream and complain about consequences, but they are old enough to understand that being held accountable by their parent’s means their parents care about the choices they make in life. Too often they are filled with feelings of abandonment and confusion. They lack structure in their lives and they have not been taught how to regain their footing. There are painful situations that they have been through in the short lives and no one is showing them how to deal with their emotions; how to process their experiences so that they can move on to a healthy adult life. How are they to find their way without the help from the parents that brought them into this world?

Who is to be held accountable in these situations? I ask you to consider this question.

Blessings

Middle School Trauma

March 1997 from Angela's diary... "S & J (names withheld) are mad at me again because I'm not girlie enough... H isn't talking to me right now either. Girls suck. Mom's happy right now. Me on the other hand thinks life sucks. To tell the truth I hate almost everything about life. There are times that I wish I could end it and go out like a real woman (gun)". My daughter wrote that at the age of 12!!! What makes a 12 year old feel this way??? My heart just breaks to write this...middle school years are horrible for alot of young ones.

In the entries prior to this she had been writing for weeks about off and on "friendships". It appears as though her circle of friends changed their minds about who they wanted to be friends with like they changed their socks. If you were a bit different... or not as skinny... of if you had a bad hair day could mean you are "out" of the club. My daughter was very sensitive and this crowd broke her heart over and over and over again. She wanted so desperately to fit in and she took the abuse. She smiled and hid the tears and pain... but inside she wanted to die. That's how devastated she had become. Young people need to be taught that their judgements, criticism, cruelty and abandonment can scar people for life. Some are not strong enough to overcome this... other will. My daughter developed her tough girl persona and pretended it was just fine with her. This is when her attitude began to change.

She no longer felt good about herself...she was no longer proud of the fact that she was smart... pretty and loving. It didn't matter if I told her how special and beautiful she was... I was her mom I 'had to say that'. The cruelty of the young... tweens and teens get crushed daily by the careless words and deeds of their peers. Many of them waiting for the day that someone else is on the chopping block and they are just forgotten by the masses which is equally dangerous. As parents we need to become more aware which side of the fence your children are on... and we must be able to accept if they are on the side that is giving out the punches to others. Watch your child, their reactions to others... the gossip they talk... how do they speak of the fellows peers? Do they speak kindly or do they always have some sort of "negative trash talk" to spread even about their "friends". If they do you as their parent need to teach them the right way to be a friend and the proper way to respect those that are not in their circle.

In a time when the world is fixed on issues of racism etc. (and I am not saying these are not important issues - they are) we show little concern for how are children treat each other across the board. Folks, I'm serious... don't chalk this off as teen age growing pains. That's crap. One of the biggest problems in this world today is the way we treat our fellow man. No we aren't going to like or befriend everyone. People are different... but respect every man... yes absolutely. Let's do our part to bring up a generation of kind, loving, respectful young people. Do your part... it's your job and it's a tough one no doubt.

Angela began her drug use the summer she wrote this entry... let's save other young ones from this feeling of inadequacy... step it up folks... monitor your young ones behavior. Pray for the children.

God bless..

Wee Ones

I often wonder when all the craziness began. I try to think back when we as parents became so busy trying to keep all the balls in the air. Do you remember when? My heart breaks when I hear how are wee ones are learning about life. Youngsters, just babes not understanding how to be kind to each other. Children learn nothing from screaming parents. They don't learn by process of osmosis... they need to be shown in word and deed how to play, how to interact, how to care about others... how to embrace the differences in others... how to accept and love themselves. As a collective group I feel we are all far to critical of each other across the board. Our wee ones suffer when we as adults don't connect with them one on one. We want them to grow up way too fast... to be little adults when they are merely children. As the adults we need to slow down and let them be little. Take the time to teach them, to lead them... it's our job folks. It doesn't matter how busy we are... how tired we are... how frustrated we may be with the world around us... we can not slack off here... it's far too important to their future.

Wee ones grow up to be teenagers... without direction and understanding... without clearly defined lessons of right and wrong... without being told they are special and loved where are they going to turn? These aren't lessons they can learn on the street folks... Drugs, alcohol, violence become far too appealing to teens that have no discipline and parental guidance.

Love them... teach them... lead them...

God Bless You

Fear

So, the anger is subsiding... and the parental lobe is shifting into second gear and you are full of fear. Fearful you should be because drugs on any level is pulls your child into a danger zone unknown to you prior to this experience.

What kinds of drugs are they using? How long have they been using? Why? Why? Why? How introduced them to drugs, where are they getting them, where are they using them? Your mind is racing as well it should be, think it through. Think about their recent behavior patterns. Have they changed? When did they change? Are they talking about new friends? Are they talking at all?

Drugs and alcohol use in tweens/teens is even more dangerous if they are mixing it up a bit. Please don't be soothed if you find out that marijuana is their drug of choice. I can't stress enough that minimizing the use of marijuana makes the drug even more dangerous. Does that make sense to you? Think about it for a moment. Whenever we as human minimize the risk of anything in life we may possibly find it creeping into our lives and out of control.

Your young one isn't going to get the fear issue. At their young age they feel they are invincable. They will let you know quickly that you are blowing this way out of proportion and this is no big deal. You may hear "this is the first time I ever tried this stuff"... don't buy it folks. It is very unusal for a parent to catch them in the act the very first time. I am not surprised by the reaction I get from parents that their child just started using... I was once in that spot, in denial. I understand it completely. Denial protects us as parents from knowing more than we care to know. But the quicker you get over the denial issue the better off you and your young one will be.

Denial kills. It kills relationships, it kills addicts... it kills our young ones as well. Face your fear and process it... think it through... figure on the worse case scenario. How will you handle it? Think of the best case scenario...is there one? Yes there can be because hopefully you have been alerted to the drug use in its early stages.

It is important that you do not allow yourself to be frozen by fear. Take a deep breathe, think it through. Expect the best outcome but prepare for the worse one. Again, you must own your fear, feel it and put it away. I have never experience a good response from my daughter when I approached the situation being motivated by anger or fear. So while your fears are justified do not let them consume you. Think it through... parents talk it out and prepare for the next phase.

God bless you... look to God and pray for wisdom.

Distressed Parenting

I just can't believe the number of parents that are getting high with their children. In some areas it is worse than others but that fact that I have to address this issue at all causes my heart great pain.

Our children look to us for guidance, support, life lessons, the difference between right and wrong. While raising a family so many issues we are faced with are not black and white... they are varying shades of gray. But there is one issue we are dealing with right here and it is drugs are illegal!!! Not only are marijuana, cocaine, crack, heroin, mushrooms etc... extremely damaging to your health (both physical and mental) and potentially deadly but I repeat they are illegal.

It is a parents job to teach their children to respect the law, the system and the government even if they do not agree with them. There are many laws and situations that I myself may not agree with, however, that does not give me the right to break the law, just because it doesn't suit my personal preferences. No one has that right! It is imperative that children learn laws are put in place for a reason and regardless of our personal opinion they are to be obeyed.

What kind of example are parents that actually get high with their kids setting for them? What kind of respect will these young people show other adults in authority and eventually - what kind of respect will they grow to have for their own parents?? My guess is little or none! The frivolous pursuit of attaining a high, an illegal high to top it off... squandering money on illegal drugs, risking their own freedom and the welfare of their children is irresponsible and potentially deadly. This does not show lack of love per say... but it does show an inability to think and reason clearly when it comes of responsible parenting.

I want to make myself very clear in that I understand the trappings of addiction.I condemn or judge no one with addictions issues. But there is never a good reason to pull a child into that set of circumstances. It is the responsibility of the adult with the personal issue of addiction to get help with their recovery - not to offer their own child or someone else's child the option of getting high with them. That action I condemn whole-heartedly. I've thought through this issue quite thoroughly and cannot find any good reason for a parent to get high with their children.

We too often turn our heads from these situations because we have become a society of "me" and not "we". It really is time for us to start caring for each other, helping each other and not leaving today's youth to fend for themselves when a situation such as this is part of their up bringing.

I ask you, if you know of a situation such as what I have described, please notify someone. Perhaps, a school guidance counselor, local authority figure... clergy... someone... reach out and give a child in this dangerous state and opportunity to grow up drug free. Doing so will perhaps give the parents involved as reason... an eye opening reason to clean up their lives, to stay in recovery and be able to teach and love their children as they deserve to be parented.

God bless...

A Child's Light

Have you seen the light in your child’s eyes? When was the last time you searched for it? If it’s been awhile it’s time to look again. If the light has dimmed now is the time to find out why. Has their passion for their favorite pass times diminished? Are they more withdrawn and distant? Don’t chalk it all up to growing up… it’s time to spot check where they are in their lives. Many of us as parents think this is just a phase they are going through and it very well may be. But this is also the time when drugs use seems to creep in, when they are changing and trying to figure out who they are and where they fit into the scheme of things.

Life is hard; young people have not yet developed their coping skills. Drug will retard their growth and ability to learn these necessary skills. Direction is very important at this pivotal point in their growth. Parents need to be watching and listening for the signs that drugs have begun their invasion into their children. It can happen so quickly and without warning sometimes. That is why it is so important to do your best to be one your toes at all times when raising children.

Young people are beginning to push the envelope early and early. Their descent in to destructive experimentation begins at a much earlier age then in generations passed. The bottom line is children are growing up faster so we must be more mindful of changes in their behaviors and appearance. It is not that we should not allow them to change and develop, we just need to watch that they are developing with positive attitudes, with goals and dreams that will lead them into adulthood with the proper skills they need to become happy, well adjusted, productive citizens.

Parents – be there… be aware!

Blessings

Where were your children last night?

Do you know where your children were last night, what they were doing and who they were doing it with?? I'm talking about all your children... all ages. What were your younger children doing? Were they watching TV, playing video games... or were they reading, coloring, using their imaginations? Were they spending quality time with you and perhaps their siblings? Your "tweens" and teens who were they spending their Saturday night with? Were they active? Were they passive? Were they partying? Do you know, did you check on them? Did you call other parents? Do you even know the parents of your tweens and teens? Too many questions for a Sunday morning? Perhaps, but they are all pertinent questions, all of them need review.

It used to be that parents knew each other. Mothers and fathers would talk among themselves... keeping track of their children's activities. These days were lucky to know our neighbors by their first name. There are parents out there that justify allowing alcohol to be consumed in their home in the "name of safety"... 'if they are drinking here and staying here then we know they are safe'. That my friends is a bunch of hogwash and is totally irresponsible parenting. There is no justification for allowing children to break the law. The law was put in place for a reason, adults need to lead by example! Allow them to break one law and they will push to break another or develop the attitudes that rules don't apply to me - they apply to everyone else not me!

I am amazed at how many parents are actually doing drugs with their kids. What is that about? How can they justify their actions? I cannot imagine how they can allow their children to follow down a destructive path such as this but it is becoming more and more of a problem. School districts are finding it harder and harder to reach out to these youths because parents will not allow intervention. Very, very sad state of affairs.

Okay, take stock... where do you stand on these issues. What example do you want to set for all your children?

Your younger children... are you spending quality time with them? Do they have an electronic babysitter? Are you allowing them to use their imagination in their play? Are they watching your behavior and learning positive things from you. Good communication... personal interaction... faith in God... how to make a positive difference in the world.

Your tweens and teens... do they know you are watching them? Are they left to their own devices when setting boundaries for right and wrong? Let them know you are their parents not their friends... let them know you care enough to check up on them and monitor their behavior, actions and reactions...teach them faith, give them a foundation, give them strong roots so that they can stretch their wings without fear.

Let your entire family know you love them... teach them well. Learn from my weaknesses... learn...

Blessings

You already have all you need

One thing I strongly impress upon the young people that I talk with is that they were born with everything they need to succeed in life. God gave them the tools, the instincts, the talents...each unique to who they are and who they were meant in this life. No one is "stamped" with a note "please bombard this body with drugs and alcohol in order to achieve ultimate joy". They each need to explore and develop those talents and gifts by looking inside and putting in the hard work of growing up.

Just as important is that parents understand that they need to help their children along in this process; they cannot leave their young people to do this on their own. The animal kingdom does not even do this... they help their young learn the skills they need in order to just survive. Teaching our young people to merely survive just isn't enough. It's important to nuture youth, to show them love, affection and the art of discipline in order for them to find their way to becoming productive citizens- drug free citizens. This first comes from teaching them how to be part of a family unit. They need to know and understand their role, importance and responsibility within their family. Yes, responsibility is part of equation.

When we leave children to their own devices they are often left floundering aimlessly following whatever or whomever will allow them to be part of their crowd.

Blessings

Attention Parents

We all need to be aware of the funding cuts for mental health and substance abuse treatment in this country. Pennsylvania has already had their funding slashed in these areas while we continue to build shopping malls we don't need or move railroad tracks or pay high salaries to our government officials. What's the deal folks? We need to get our priorities straight. Our young people - their health and well being has to remain our top priority!!! I have been praying for answers, trying to figure out why it's okay to let youth that need help go without it. Yes, we parents need to do our part - totally agreed with that... but when outside help is needed and becomes unavailable because of lack of services or high expense then we lose... our children lose... the country loses its most valuable resource. Drugs kill... let's not let the government spending issues help it along.

Blessings

Current State of US Affairs

Believe it or not teens are very plugged into what is going on in our world today. They understand the tension over job loss, healthcare reform and the earthquake devastation in Haiti. They may not appear to even realize what is going on around them but they know... they are paying more attention than you realize. Part of the issue is they have become a bit desensitized to devastation due to video games, music and TV, more so than previous generations. How confusing it must be to be partly desensitized and partly emotionally distraught over the state of the world today. Are we listening to our youth? I'm listening... speak to me... talk to me... tell me what's on your mind. Talk to me about why you are turning to drugs and alcohol to elevate your stress and boredom. Let's work together and find a way to get your proactively involved in your life and the life of your community... your country.

Parents are you actively listening to your child of all ages? Are you fully present with them during conversations or is your mind worrying about something else? As parents we've all been there trying to listen and yet our mind is "wandering" off into worry-land. Please - be with them... only them... what they have to say and how they say it is more important then you'll ever know.

Blessings,
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